I’ll Be The Bad Guy: Making Tough Choices as a Single Mom

Desirae Harper

By Desirae Harper | Aug 16th, 2018

Life is full of hard choices. Most of us have learned to make choices based on what others will agree with. We want so badly to be accepted that we do what we think will make the most people comfortable. The saddest part about that type of decision making is we most often forget about ourselves. We forget to ask ourselves, what is best for me and my family? What will keep us safe and happy? I used to live that life. I would do whatever other people thought was best for me…until I became a mom. Suddenly, I just couldn’t worry about what others thought of my decisions. I was going to be somebody’s mom. I had to learn how to make tough choices for me and my daughter even if that made me unpopular with other people in our tribe.

When my ex decided to come back into my life toward the end of my pregnancy, my family was BIG mad that I allowed him back in. Looking back, I can admit that they saw things that I didn’t want to see but in those moments, it felt like the right decision for me. I wanted my daughter to have a father. I wanted a family. I didn’t feel right making such a permanent decision without giving us the space to see what could be. I needed to learn for myself what felt right and what didn’t. Those decisions caused tension in my relationships with my family. The relationship may not have been right for me but I wouldn’t have learned that without making the choices that I did.

More recently, my choices have made me unpopular with my social media following, family members, and my ex. When I realized that the relationship he shared with my daughter was just as toxic as the one he and I had shared, I started treating it that way. I made boundaries and stood firm in them. I heard things like “Try to remember that he’s her dad” or “You sound crazy bitter. She deserves a relationship with her father.” I will never forget that he is her dad but my responsibility is to my daughter. A toxic relationship is harming to any person but even more so to a young child, regardless of who that person is to them. No one should be forced to maintain a toxic relationship.

No mom wants to be the “bad guy” but I will be whatever guy is going to keep my child safe and happy.

I will never apologize for being protective of my baby’s energy. She’s four years old so she doesn’t quite understand how certain things can be harmful to her. It’s very similar to the way she doesn’t understand that eating candy and drinking chocolate milk all day isn’t healthy for her. Mom has to be the one to tell her “No more candy, eat your veggies and drink some water.” Mom has to tell her not to stand so close to the oven because she might get burned. Mom has to be the one to say “Enough is enough!” when I see a toxic relationship is doing more harm to her than good. Mom might still be doing that when she’s 30! No mom wants to be the “bad guy” but I will be whatever guy is going to keep my child safe and happy.

Forget about being liked or being popular. Does my daughter feel safe and protected? Does she have everything she needs to thrive? These are the things that matter. Anyone claiming to love her should be on that frequency too. Not only should their words match my vibration but their actions should as well. If they don’t, I won’t hesitate to set firm boundaries for the sake of my daughter’s wellbeing. I will be okay if people don’t like me. As long as I kept my kid healthy and happy, I did my job! Making the unpopular choices keep our children thriving both physically and mentally. Besides, one day I might be the mom of a rebellious teenage girl. I might as well get used to someone not liking me for my decisions now.

Desirae Harper

Desirae Harper

Desirae Harper is a blogger from Southern California focusing on topics from her life as a single mom, celebrity gossip, and her own personal fitness journey.


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