What You Should Know if Your Libido is Low After Divorce

Dena Landon

By Dena Landon | Nov 6th, 2018

Sex. Sex post-divorce. I didn’t want it for over a year. In fact, it was a relief to not have to lie there, staring at the ceiling, wondering when it would be over. I didn’t date until my divorce was final, and since it took a year and nine months I went through a looooong dry spell. It was a relief to find that my libido had finally returned when I had one of the best sexual experiences of my life a few days after signing the papers.

I’ve since found out that a lot of women go through a dry spell during and after their divorce. And many of us worry if we’ll ever want sex again. Because sex is more than just the physical, as our connection to our ex fizzled often so did our sex lives. If he slammed our postpartum bodies, we grew reluctant to hop into bed with him.

It’s easy to think that a lack of interest in sex because of lost connection with an ex or bodily insecurities equates with a lost libido. And it can be safer, too. Convincing yourself that you’ll never want it again means that you can protect your heart and not take risks in post-divorce dating. Say “pass” to the hell of online dating, and decide to spend the rest of your life with your vibrator.

I was there, and if I hadn’t met David I might still be there. If you open yourself up to it, though, your sex drive will return. It may involve taking risks – with your heart, please, not your body. But those risks come with a huge reward. Satisfaction. Empowerment. Joy.

If you haven’t wanted sex in a while, don’t stress about it. But also, try experimenting. Life post-divorce is all about growth and discovery. You might be surprised to discover that you like something in bed (or the shower, or the couch, or the kitchen counter) that you once found shocking. There are toys in my bedroom that I didn’t know existed five years ago.

“If you haven’t wanted sex in a while, don’t stress about it. But also, try experimenting. Life post-divorce is all about growth and discovery.”

I’ve had a lot more sex post-divorce, both good and bad. The first guy and my last boyfriend, both amazing in bed. Then there was the friend who got so drunk it didn’t last long. Or the guy I dated whose idea of sex was “put it in and just grind until I come” and who had no stroke or technique. Seriously, I laid there looking up at him thinking, “wtf?” With all of them, I’ve learned.

What I like and don’t like. What good sex really is; how to initiate it, what stroke and technique feels like, and how damned good it can be when a guy sees and wants to please you. Much of my post-divorce life has been discovering myself, standing up for myself, and claiming my wants and needs as valid. That includes sex.

I want sex. I enjoy it. I’ve always been picky but, now that I know how good it can be with the right partner, I’m even pickier. As I told a friend of mine, “I’ve had enough bad sex to last a lifetime. I’m not settling for that again!”

If you’re worried about your sex drive returning, just relax and open up. Invite your libido to return. Trust that you are attractive and sexy, no matter what an ex-husband might have said.

So much of us simultaneously come back to ourselves and grow into a new self post-divorce. Why shouldn’t that include our sex lives? Take a chance on love, and sex, again.

Dena Landon

Dena Landon

Dena Landon's bylines have appeared in The Washington Post, Good Housekeeping, Salon and more. The proud mom of a boy, she specializes in parenting and divorce.


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