“The more you love yourself, the less nonsense you’ll tolerate.”
This quote is not only a Worthy community favorite, but it perfectly sets the tone for this episode, all about dating and raising the bar for yourself before jumping back into the dating pool.
Dr. Kristin Davin, also known as “Dr.D” joins us on this journey and provides us with 8 guiding questions to get ready to date again after a toxic marriage, infidelity, or any other form of unhealthy relationship. Dr. D specializes in counseling for marriage, divorce, and major life transitions. While Kristin has been divorced twice, she is now happily married and has so much to share from both her expertise and personal experience. Kristin is dedicated to helping people embrace change and cultivate healthy relationships by tapping into their own strengths.
Kristin not only helps her clients but also our amazing community of women. You can find her articles on the Worthy blog and partake in the survey that she helped Worthy to create, Jumping In: Dating After Divorce in 2019. This survey is a great way to reflect on your own fears, expectations and challenges while helping divorce professionals better serve you in the process.
The 8 questions that Kristin takes us through are helpful in identifying the strengths, triggers expectations and overall vision for your future and future partner.
What are your takeaways from your last relationship? What are your strengths coming out of that relationship?
Do you recognize any patterns in the partners you choose?
Are there identifiable triggers in your relationships?
What type of lifestyle is important to you? What life do you want to live?
What are the values that are most important to you? Which are non-negotiable and which ones are you able to compromise on?
What and how do you want your life to look like?
What are your challenges? What are your fears? What are some that you have already overcome that you can remind yourself of at this stage?
How can you demand more of yourself? How will you raise the bar of yourself, for yourself?
Getting ready to date again is a work in progress and it is important to examine these aspects to set yourself up for a successful relationship in the future. Kristin advises keeping a journal to help you solidify and make these thoughts and intentions more tangible.
Jennifer Butler: Welcome to Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle, a branded podcast by Worthy. I’m Jennifer Butler and I’m your host. The more you love yourself, the less nonsense you’ll tolerate. This is one of your favorite quotes we recently featured on our Instagram page. One of our favorites too. And I love it because it really sets the stage for what we’re going to be talking about today. We here at Worthy recently launched a survey called Jumping In: Dating After Divorce in 2019. This survey was created in partnership with our guest today, Dr. Kristin Davin and five other experts. If you haven’t taken the survey yet, head over to Worthy.com/promotions/jumping-in. When you take the survey, you’ll automatically enter to win $500. Plus, it’s a fun and informative way to help us better help you.
Jennifer Butler: Since we’re talking about dating, the question has come up from many in our community about how we can even begin to learn to trust again and open up to the possibility of love especially if we’re coming from a toxic marriage, infidelity, or any other sort of unhealthy situation. We often will look for the answer to this question outside ourselves thinking about what we need a future partner to do differently or how others need to be in order for us to feel safe. But Dr. D says the how to loving and trusting again is all about the questions we ask ourselves and our willingness to explore the answers we find. Dr. D has come up with eight powerful questions you need to ask yourself when you’re considering dating again and I am so excited to share these questions with you. We’re going to take a quick break and we’ll be right back with Dr. Kristin Davin.
Jennifer Butler: When you sell a piece of jewelry you can’t control how much it’s worth but you can make sure that you’re selling smart with a team of experts and advocates behind you at Worthy. Your engagement ring can be a financial asset that allows you to embrace a new and fulfilling life after divorce. Let us help you get the best deal possible for the jewelry you’ve outgrown. Go to Worthy.com/podcast to learn more.
Jennifer Butler: I am so excited to be kicking off Season Two with the very special guest, proactive and approachable, Dr. Kristin Davin or Dr. D has been described as a straight shooter. She helps people embrace change, cultivate healthier relationships, and become more effective communicators both personally and professionally. Her areas of focus are divorce, marriage, dating, life transitions and relationships. By taping into a person’s strengths, she helps people maximize their life and live authentically. Dr. D is also a wonderful writer and we are so grateful that she writes for our blog here at Worthy and that she collaborates with us for events, surveys, and all sorts of things.
Jennifer Butler: You can also find Dr. D’s work on Marriage.com, the Mind’s Journal, as well as in the book Think Financially, Not Emotionally by Jeff Landers. Please join me in welcoming to the podcast Dr. Kristin Davin or Dr. D as we like to call her. Welcome.
Kristin Davin: Well, thank you Jennifer. That was an amazing opening. I really appreciate all those kind words and as well as this wonderful opportunity to help people get on the other side of their divorce and also just to learn healthy and effective ways to get back into the dating world should they choose that but more importantly just become the best version of themselves post-divorce. So thank you again for this wonderful opportunity.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. Absolutely. You know, we’re so happy that you’re doing this with us and we recently launched that survey, Jumping In: Dating After Divorce in 2019 and you partnered with us in creating that and so you really are such a perfect person to be talking to us about love and trust and dating after divorce.
Kristin Davin: Yeah, that was just a really fun survey to get involved with. I was just so happy and pleased that Judy perhaps had asked me to participate in that and it was just a really great way to figure out ways in which you can really help women and people just figure out where they are and where they want to be. So it was just a really fun thing to participate it.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. You know it’s interesting like it’s a survey and like you just said, a really fun way to see where you’re at, we’re going to get into this talking more deeply today but with a little survey you really get people to sit down and think and be conscious about where they’re at. And so it’s a great little fun way to do that.
Kristin Davin: Yeah. And I’m really looking forward to the results of that and what kind of information we can glean from that and how we’re going to move that forward in some way and I think that once the results come out, I think it will be really interesting for everybody to look at that and to see where they are and see how the people answered like they did. So I’m really looking forward to getting some additional information once that’s all done.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. Me too. Me as well. And then maybe we’ll have you back on so we can discuss the results.
Kristin Davin: That would be fun. I love that opportunity.
Jennifer Butler: That would be awesome. But today we’re going to be talking about, like I said, how to love and trust again after divorce. I love your perspective and your voice on this. And I really … I can’t wait to jump in and share with our listeners what you have to say. But let’s start a little bit with you talking just a little about yourself, why you’re passionate about the work you do especially with women post-divorce.
Kristin Davin: Well, I’m a psychologist but I also really consider myself a relationship therapist and I work in the city, New York City, and I also run an office in New Jersey. And I’m passionate because I’ve been divorced twice and I chuckled with that because I’m a marriage counselor too. And I’m happily married to an amazing person, amazing man now. But I also feel that I have an opportunity to help a lot of people because I am divorced and the struggles that I encountered with both of those. And I think that sometimes if we could just take a step back, and we say, how can I help other people move through this very complicated process of divorce, and the emotional roller-coaster that goes along with it, then you really want to be able to do that for other people.
Kristin Davin: And I’m also interested and passionate about it because it’s just a huge chapter in someone’s life, and it’s a huge transition and anything you can do, anything any person can do as an expert or as a person, helps other people help them as well. Because you really want to get that drive going, and you really need support. So it’s just people helping people. So women helping other women like say, “Hey, I’ve been there. I get it and let me help you move through it.”
Jennifer Butler: And this topic of love and trust after divorce I think it’s a big one. I think it’s scary, and a little intimidating to kind of reenter the world after divorce and begin dating for many reasons but what I hear a lot coming from women in our community and in the outside world is, how do you ever trust anyone again, how do you ever let yourself “fall” again.
Kristin Davin: That’s key for a lot of reasons. Just trusting again, I think that’s just a … it’s a big hurdle for a lot of women.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. Absolutely. And I think what we hear a lot is, how do I know if he is the right person or she or how can they make me feel safe. Kind of always about the other person and how do you wrap your head around that other person, and you really flipped this on its head because you say that loving and trusting has nothing to do with the other person. It’s really about the questions that you’re asking yourself and willingness that you have to truthfully explore those answers that you find.
Kristin Davin: Right. And when you approached me and we’re talking about them, I was thinking about these questions. When I share back and I thought about it, these questions, really the very key thing to do in the beginning is to be having the ability to take a step back and you get greater clarity for yourself and greater insight so that people can harness more introspection for themselves. And to your point about trusting, yes you want to love and trust that person but it’s more about loving and trusting yourself first because women can say or people can say, “I really don’t trust this person,” and that might be true or, “How am I going to trust another person?” But in the beginning it really is about, “How can I learn to trust myself again? Trust my decisions, trust in the direction that I’m going.” I think that that is the foundation from which women can expand from. And then they can start to ask themselves these questions. But in the beginning, it’s how can I trust myself in the decisions that I’ve made.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. Exactly. And what you just said, the decisions that I’ve made, because when you’ve gone through a divorce you start questioning your judgment from the past.
Kristin Davin: Yeah. You question a lot of things.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. And so how can I trust myself going forward if I couldn’t trust myself back then?
Kristin Davin: Right. And so in answering these question is helping someone change the narrative themselves, it’s helping them to say, yes, you want to love and trust somebody. Of course, you do. But let’s start this stuff at home first.
Jennifer Butler: Absolutely. And I love those words, change the narrative, because we all have a story going on in our heads.
Kristin Davin: Yes, we do.
Jennifer Butler: So like you said, you take that step back and you sit and discuss these questions with yourself internally and change your narrative. So you’ve created really eight powerful questions that women need to ask themselves when they’re considering dating again or maybe even before that. Maybe just coming out of divorce and really healing and getting to know themselves and changing their narrative. But these eight questions are really powerful. And so I’m excited for you to share them with our listeners and we’ll talk about each one as we kind of go through.
Jennifer Butler: So your first question, what are your takeaways from this marriage and divorce?
Kristin Davin: Let’s take a big step back and exhale and then we can start to look at these questions. So the takeaways are, what have I learned from this marriage and divorce, what are the strengths that I take from this time in my life. Because we all have strengths and I think most of the time, my experience has been it has demonstrated to me that we have a tendency to focus on all the problems and challenges. But the truth is, is that we have a lot of strengths that often we forget about or we really don’t give any energy to or any kind.
Kristin Davin: And so it’s important to garner greater insight and look at strains and your challenges, what did I learn? What were the good things in that marriage and then how can I look at those things, and how can I also then say, okay, and so what are my major takeaways from this marriage and this divorce?
Jennifer Butler: Right after divorce especially when the wound is so fresh. I know even for me, when I went through it, thinking about the good things can be really painful. Like we sometimes don’t want to think about those good things. We want to focus on everything that was awful and our reasons why we’re so right or shouldn’t be in that relationship what can we expect from gathering the courage to remember the good.
Kristin Davin: Well, there was a time that you liked that person, wasn’t there?
Jennifer Butler: Yeah.
Kristin Davin: There was a time in your life that you loved that person and you married that person and there was a time that you could pick out many things that were positive about that person. And I would be shocked if someone said, “Well, they’re keeping it one positive thing.” And so to your point, it is challenging to pick out the positive things when we’re in this really terrible spot, in this emotional rollercoaster and there’s a lot of negativity. But you can also think about not only the positive things about that person but also about yourself. This is who I was when I met this person. That’s a strength of mine. These are the things that I’m taking away from this marriage. And looking to yourself for some of those strengths that will allow you to have a more balanced and objective view of what you’re going through.
Jennifer Butler: I love that. I love that because again taking off of thinking so much about the other person and bringing it back to yourself.
Kristin Davin: Right. Exactly.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. So beautiful. Okay. So that first question is, what are your takeaways from this marriage and divorce and just sitting with that and coming through with those strengths. Beautiful.
Kristin Davin: Thank you.
Jennifer Butler: The second question, do you recognize any patterns in the partners you choose?
Kristin Davin: So I think that when people are getting divorced and certainly in my situation, when I was divorced a second time and this was many years ago, was that I had to stop myself in my tracks and say, “Okay, what’s going on here because I’m not going to live the next 40 or 50 years like I lived the first 40 whatever.” And so it’s really about other patterns of people that you have in your life. So if you’ve been married more than once or you’ve gone through a divorce, even if it’s your only divorce, your first divorce, it’s really about are there any patterns that I can recognize in other previous relations even relationships with friends that are here.
Kristin Davin: And so I think it’s common upon ourselves to say, “Alright, if I want to move forward I’m going to move through this divorce. I want to make sure that I’ve checked those boxes as far as, can I identify any types of patterns if there are?” Maybe there are not. That’s okay too. But often times when we, once again, take a step back and we want to connect the dots, we can find some patterns and often they’re hiding in plain sight.
Jennifer Butler: Do you find that there are times when there is no pattern?
Kristin Davin: Well, I think that by large there is patterns in the people that we choose in our lives. And if we think about the unhealthy people or relationships that have come and gone, those that have been with friends and those that have been with intimate partners, sometimes and often times but not always of course. People are going to find some patterns there or some choices that they’ve made. And so this is important for us to be able to look at ourselves objectively and say, “Okay, where do those patterns start? Is that from my first family …” What we call in psychotherapy world is your family of origin. “… and is there something there that maybe started me down this path and then this has created a sort of pattern?”
Jennifer Butler: Right. And then once they kind of see the pattern, then they can start to shift out of it, correct?
Kristin Davin: That’s correct, which kind of goes into the next question as well.
Jennifer Butler: Exactly. Are there specific triggers that you can identify?
Kristin Davin: Yeah. And I included that question because in my experience when I’m working with people. They don’t want to give themselves the bandwidth or the space to think about triggers. They’re sometimes were so caught up with that emotion that we really can’t see what’s hiding like I said, in plain sight. And so we have to identify, are there certain triggers in our life, people, places, things, history, past relationships that people, how they act or things that kind of trigger us emotionally or sometimes on a very visceral level that we can identify. And those things are important because sometimes or often if we don’t identify the triggers, then we’re not really sitting with what’s going on and often we just start moving in a direction without recognizing, “Oh, maybe this isn’t the best direction for me.”
Kristin Davin: And so if you come from … And lots of women on the Worthy Facebook Page, a lot of them have been with narcissistic partners in marriages et cetera. And so that’s very traumatizing. And what’s most important is that we really identify, when I move forward in another relationship or dating or whatever your future is going to hold for yourself, what are these things that are going to come up for me and I really have to hone in on them and I really have to really acknowledge this intuitiveness that we all have and I really want to make sure that I can tap into that strength of mine. And when I see these triggers and when I see these flags, those are the things that I really must identify and be aware of so that I don’t, once again, go into those patterns.
Jennifer Butler: So the triggers you kind of align them with the red flags, right?
Kristin Davin: Sure.
Jennifer Butler: Are triggers something that people should kind of watch for in order to not make the same mistake but also possibly places for them to grow?
Kristin Davin: Exactly. So I think that’s a great point. It’s about if you want more personal growth, a trigger might be lots of these are matter very suave and the wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing-
Jennifer Butler: … the charmers.
Kristin Davin: … the charmers and if someone’s coming across like that and you start to really identify that, there is an area of, “Oh, that’s my red flag. I need to back away from that because I know how this is going to end.” And it’s those type of subtleties and those types of flags that come up that writing them down and saying, “Okay, when I have a person who’s acting a certain way or saying some things, this is a trigger for me to I know I have to check myself and exit so that I don’t go back and ignore what I know to be true because I have experience that.” You want to tap into that voice.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah, absolutely. And what is it about this sort of behavior that either pulls me in or triggers me.
Kristin Davin: Correct.
Jennifer Butler: So this next question, so what type of lifestyle is important to you? I don’t think that people even when they’re getting married the first time really spend time with this.
Kristin Davin: Right. And I think that the lifestyle question and the value question are somewhat wedded in a way. No pun intended there. We cultivate this type of lifestyle that we really want for ourselves, whatever that might look like. I’m an active person, I’m a couch potato, I’m curious, I want to keep learning, I love sports, I love to read. This is my lifestyle. If I were to define it I would say, “Oh, I like to do these types of things. I really want someone who’s very similar to that.” And this is something that I have found not to be necessarily static.
Kristin Davin: It’s something that sometimes with interest when we’re young that we longer do but it’s really looking inward and identifying the type of life that you want to live. “I want a big family, I don’t want any children, I want to continue my education.” It could be lots of things. The most important thing is to identify what kind of lifestyle you want and that’s important to you so that when you partner up to that choice be yours again, then you really identify with who you are and how you want to live so that you choose someone of similar.
Jennifer Butler: Right. And it doesn’t just really work itself out which I think is what a lot of people think, “Oh, it’ll just work out. We’ll figure it out.” And it doesn’t. Those are some of the very simple but big factors that can cause a lot of conflict.
Kristin Davin: Sure can. Especially with such things as how much time they spend socially with friends, how that’s important. If they like to go out and drink or party or do certain things. If they like to work out. In beginning, “Oh, that’s okay that they’re going out five nights a week or something like that,” or “I don’t really care that they’re a couch potato.” But eventually, it’s those things that will catch up with you and it’s those things that you could ignore and toss to the side, but those are the very things that bother you in the end. Because then also they become the problem.
Jennifer Butler: Absolutely. I know that you said that question sort of weds with the next question. I’m going to take a really quick break here and I think it’s a good moment. We’re going to be right back with more from Dr. D on these eight powerful questions.
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Jennifer Butler: We are back talking to Dr. D about how to love and trust again after divorce and we are discussing these eight powerful questions that Dr. D has come up with really to flip the whole discussion on its head and start focusing our attention outward, but really focusing it inward on ourselves and how we can love and trust ourselves and know ourselves again so then we can enter the dating world in a more confident way.
Jennifer Butler: And so we’ve discussed our first four questions and now we’re going to move on to the fifth question, what are the values that are important to you?
Kristin Davin: Great. Like when I spoke about the lifestyle values. So values to me are more static. Those are the things that create a foundation and those are the things that we learn very early in our life. Values such as spirituality or religion or education or work-family life balance, honesty, integrity, trust, truth, all of those things that we’re taught become our own value system. And if we don’t honor that then we will find ourselves down a different path and we don’t really want to relinquish those values that are really important to us.
Kristin Davin: So when we think about find another person or dating is asking yourself, “What are my values and how important are they?” For example you could have several values, some of those I just named. And some of those things could be less important to you. And that’s okay. So that when you’re dating and you’re want to partner up with someone, you really want to find someone with similar values and that you’re not on these opposite spectrums. Or if you say, “Oh, family life is important to me and it looks like this,” whatever that might be, “seeing my family every week,” or “seeing them once a year,” whatever that might be, “and I’m okay with that and I’m a little flexible with that. So if I find someone who wants to see their family more or less, I’m okay.”
Kristin Davin: So you can have these different values in your life with different importance but you just want to make sure that you understand and you really acknowledge and hold true to your own values and that you do not, like I said, relinquish them and say, “Well, that’s okay. I’m going to put that one aside,” because much like lifestyle choices, those things do come back to bite you.
Jennifer Butler: Right. And in the dating world with dating coaches and things like that you hear a lot of people talking about knowing your non-negotiables.
Kristin Davin: Sure.
Jennifer Butler: In your opinion, are those non-negotiables best sort of utilized as values?
Kristin Davin: Yeah. I think that’s a great question and it makes me think about the three lists. When I help people out, here is your three lists. The must haves, I can compromise, I really don’t care. The must haves are the must haves and if you relinquish on them, those things will become the issue. Must have, doesn’t matter what they are. Have some education, I don’t care if you have an education. Must live in a certain area, must have a certain type of family, must come from a certain type of religion or ethnicity. It could be anything.
Kristin Davin: A lot of your must haves are your values to your point. And in the middle is I can compromise. I have some wiggle room, I’m flexible in my thinking. And then in the last column is I really don’t care. I don’t care what they do for a living, what car they drive, or how much they go out. It really doesn’t matter. These are all about you. These are all these things about yourself that you value and that are important.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. That’s awesome. Must haves, compromise, I don’t care. So the next question, what and how do you want your life to look like in this chapter?
Kristin Davin: When people give themselves to think instead of saying, “I don’t know,” to that question, “What do you want your life to look like?” “I don’t know.” And I say, “Sure you do. Let’s just talk that out. I think you know the answer to that,” because I’m a believer that people know the interest in most things but they don’t give themselves the time or energy to think about it. And that if you could close your eyes and visualize an image of your life, what would that be? And then you help them describe that.
Kristin Davin: And then when they describe that, and they talk about that picture that they see, whether that be, “I want to go back to school, I want to live somewhere else, I want a different job,” it really … it’s amazing the transformation that when they actually talk that out, they’re like, “Wow. I didn’t know I knew all that. I didn’t know I really had an idea.” And maybe some people don’t have a clear idea and that’s okay because you want at least to have them start visualizing and start that process of thinking differently about their life and visualizing something so that they can help to answer that question.
Kristin Davin: And one way to do that is to ask the miracle question. And the miracle question is, if you went to bed tonight, when you went to sleep tonight and a miracle happened overnight and when you wake up in the morning, how would you know that a miracle had occurred? How would you be behaving differently and thinking differently and feeling differently? And it forces in a very effective and healthy way to springboard a person into their future to create this miracle and “This is how my life is going to look.”
Kristin Davin: And then when you have your endgame, you take a step back and you start to set short and long-term goals to that end.
Jennifer Butler: I love that question. I think two, because I think people are afraid to dream big. They are afraid to let themselves go to the possibility of a miracle and so unless they’re a challenge or asked that directly, they’ll think, “Well, he just wants somebody who’s not going to leave,” or “I just want a good guy who’s going to make breakfast with me.” They’re just afraid to voice that dream.
Kristin Davin: And I think what you just said is really great. You just said, “I just want somebody who’s not going to leave,” and you think, “That’s it?” That’s all you want? And you’re like, “Well, maybe not like to your point. Let’s just think bigger.” What do you really want it to look like? Of course you don’t want someone to leave. I mean, yes. But let’s get off the emotional path for a bit and think a little bit more rationally, strategically about your life because when you help people through divorce, through it or after it, it’s really about two paths. It’s helping them manage the emotional part of the whole process, that’s one path. And then also providing and helping them gain clarity and skills and strategies and thinking differently about their life.
Kristin Davin: So I never take only one path. You really have to take both at the same time because you cannot really allow a person to be suck in the emotions for an extended period of time because then they’re always going to feel stuck. But nor can you just help someone gain skills and strategies without identifying the emotions. And so we stand overlap of those two paths being wedded in a way that you move them along so that you’re processing the emotion but also helping them in a strategic and strength-based way.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. I mean this is a whole other topic but what you’re saying is exactly why having the support of a coach or a therapist or just somebody along this journey is so powerful. And so for this next question too, what will some of your challenges and fears be in this next chapter?
Kristin Davin: Right. Because we’re all going to have those challenges and those fears. And so we have those strengths but we’re also going to say, “My fears might be I might not find another person, my fear might be I’m going to get stuck for years on end.” And when we can identify these fears and we can start to face the fears and we can take a cognitive approach or rational approach too, alright. Is this fear, is this really a fact or is it really a feeling I’m fearful of? Okay. But is there any kind of fact behind that.
Kristin Davin: And people get really wrapped up in their fears and it keeps them stuck. We both work with people like that. That they’re just kind of stuck in cement and their fear just engulfs them and their challenges engulf them. And you want to identify the challenges and fears but you really have to balance that out with, alright but what have you overcome, what challenges have you overcome, what fears have you overcome? What skills can you use from the things that you’ve achieved and the things that you’ve overcome to your advantage during this chapter of your life?
Kristin Davin: Because they have accomplished things but like we said in the beginning, we forget about those things. We forget about the strengths we have, we forget about the positive things of this person, and we forget the events in our life that we have overcome and empowered by.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. Is it in Pretty Woman when she says, “It’s easier to believe the bad than it is the good things that people say about you,” and it’s very true. We forget to focus on our strengths and the things that we’ve overcome.
Kristin Davin: Right. And that strength [inaudible 00:30:20] can start with two things, who cares. It’s really a process of helping someone thinking differently about themselves and about their life and their circumstances because it really is a situation. And you’re like, “Okay here is a situation in my life and I have to find a way to move through, not around it, but through it. How am I going to do that in ways that are good for me and ways that are healthy for me?”
Jennifer Butler: I have a friend who is stuck and I know she would let me share this story. She took a huge poster board, created, I believe it was a peace sign and she did the whole thing with little post-it notes and on each post-it note was something she did in her life, something she learned, overcame, whether it was getting my driver’s license to I learned how to make dinner, I learned how to drive a car. Whatever that is. But she felt the entire thing, it must have been hundreds of little post-it notes coming from feeling stuck in this place of, “I can’t do anything.”
Kristin Davin: Wow. That’s amazing.
Jennifer Butler: It was just so powerful to look at. And so the experience for her was life transforming.
Kristin Davin: Right. And doing it, it provides something very tangible because they’re dumping their brain with all those really good things and there’s a board there and they can look at it and see it and you can’t unsee it anymore. And it’s right there in front of you and it’s something they can keep looking at and adding to. Very powerful.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. And like you said at the very beginning, change your narrative, well there it is in your face. You can no longer have the same narrative.
Kristin Davin: Correct.
Jennifer Butler: So question number eight, how can you demand more of yourself in this next chapter? I love this question.
Kristin Davin: So when I use the word demand, I use that in positive way. Oh, don’t be demanding on a person, nagging them or to be demanding. That’s not really what were questions there. It’s more about how can you start to raise the bar for yourself. And I’m not talking about having these lofty expectations and demanding all these unachievable things. How can I bring my best version to myself? How can I be the best version of myself? What does that mean for me? How can I use this event in my life as something positive and powerful and not negative?
Kristin Davin: And it’s really about the choices that you want to make, the changes you need to make, the strengths you need to identify, the challenges you need to identify, and really saying, “Okay, this is what I’m taking away from this this time of my life and this is how I want to move forward, how I want to create the best version of myself, how I want to self-actualize so that I am the best version for myself. Oh, and by the way, if I meet someone along the way, even better,” if that’s what you want to do with your life, if that’s the path that you want.
Kristin Davin: But for ourselves, it’s really about being our best version of ourselves so that when we go on to the dating world, if that’s our path, we are not changing ourselves to fit for someone. We are looking for a good fit for ourselves. Instead of being something or someone for someone else, it’s really about, “No. I want to find someone who is good for me because I’ve done the red flags, I know what my values are, I know what my triggers are. I go back to all these questions. This is my story. And so I want to be the best version of myself and these are the things I need to do, answer these questions, to create that person for myself.” And then we can start to move in that direction.
Jennifer Butler: That’s very powerful. And I love the word demand really because it’s really about elevating, uplift.
Kristin Davin: Sure. Uplifting and raising the bar for ourselves and saying … instead of saying, “I want someone who doesn’t leave,” it’s like I’ve modified a confident person. I’m a confident person. I want someone who’s of equal or close to that. I want this type of person in my life. I’m going to raise the bar.” It’s not going to be just so this person doesn’t leave, it’s going to be so much more than that. And I’m going to take the time just to figure all that stuff out so that I am in a really good space when I embark on a new path.
Jennifer Butler: Oh, that’s beautiful.
Kristin Davin: Thanks. Just trying to help people. It’s just really about helping people get to a better space and a better place. I mean, you want people to be happy and healthy. When I work with people, I don’t want to see them for years on end. I want to get them happy and healthy and I want to see back on the street. Because that’s what you want for someone, right?
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. Absolutely.
Kristin Davin: Yes.
Jennifer Butler: So do you suggest people who are listening get a journal and maybe just sit with this, take time to answer these questions right about them? Is that sort of a good process for them?
Kristin Davin: Yeah. I think that’s a great idea. I think it’s really about a brain dump and giving yourself some time, whether it be just a few minutes a day, if you get up in the morning and your intention is, “I’m going to write five or 10 minutes in my journal, I’m going to continue to answer one of these questions, I’m going to move on to the next one,” or really start to think about things because when we write things down, we see things very differently. When we allow ourselves to think freely about different things without having any limitations on this, when we go back and read those things, they can be very powerful. And they can really help us to change.
Kristin Davin: Instead of keeping them in our mind all the time and circling the same questions over and over again, I say to people, “If you’re going to ask the question, you have to answer the question,” right?
Jennifer Butler: Absolutely. So powerful. Okay. So one last final question for you and we talked a little bit about this in the middle. But when we’re going through a difficult time, it can be hard to see beyond the struggle. Sometimes that’s where our focus is. And so in your own words, what can you share with our listeners around what you believe is possible for them like on the other side of divorce and the pain and all of the struggle and maybe the muddy waters that some people might be going through, what’s on that other side?
Kristin Davin: I think that’s a great question and I think that there just so many possibilities you really have within yourself to not only ask and answer these questions but to create a new path for yourself. Because if nothing changes, nothing changes. And it’s really about how can I make the changes necessary for my life. And for those who are listening, you have a lot of what you already need. And maybe you need to get some support from your tribe or from a professional.
Kristin Davin: But at the end of the day, you really want to start viewing yourself in some ways just a little bit more self-centered. And I don’t mean that in a ego-driven way, it’s really about how can I be selfish during this time? And that really should be a take-away. I need to be selfish for myself right now and to get myself on a better track and those are all the things that you’re able to do. People have a lot more strength than they give themselves credit for and they have a lot … they have a greater ability than they ever think and it’s really about thinking beyond, “I’m stuck.” It’s more about, “I know I can get myself unstuck. I’m going to start taking that path.”
Jennifer Butler: So powerful. Thank you so much for being here with us for kicking off Season Two on this podcast with us here at Worthy. We’re so grateful to have you here.
Kristin Davin: And well, I’m really grateful and happy for the opportunity. And thank you so much for asking me. And I’m so happy to be the first person and I know it’s going to be, I’m sure, a wonderful season for you and Worthy.
Jennifer Butler: Thank you so much. And where can our listeners find you?
Kristin Davin: They can just Google me, KristinDavin.com, they can email me at [email protected] I’ve got a Facebook fan page, I’ve got Instagram, LinkedIn, that type of thing on social media. And so just by putting my name in, you can find me. Like I said I’ve got an office in New York City. I also do video coaching and therapy and I’m also on New Jersey.
Jennifer Butler: Perfect. And we’re going to have all those links and your contact available with this podcast as well.
Kristin Davin: Terrific.
Jennifer Butler: Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much.
Kristin Davin: Thank you Jennifer. I really appreciate it.
Jennifer Butler: Thanks again to Dr. Kristin Davin for joining us and to all of you for listening. Next week we will be joined by Elise Pardis, the founder of Anti.net where we will be chatting about the importance of community when going through divorce. Make sure you subscribe so you can catch every new episode of divorce and other things you can handle in your weekly feed. If you like what you hear, rate and review us to help other women like you be able to find us. And join our Facebook group, Worthy Women and Divorce where you will find a community of love, support, and wisdom.
Jennifer Butler: Thanks for listening to Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle, a branded podcast from Worthy dedicated to celebrating women like you as you embrace a new beginning after divorce, separation or whatever. Worthy is an online action platform designed to help you solve valuable items like an engagement ring or a wedding set. When you decide to send your ring in, we pay for the shipping and insurance to ensure that it arrives safely to our New York office. Once we’ve received the ring, we have it professionally graded and photographed which helps it sell competitively in our bio network. One of the best parts of working with Worthy is that you get to set the minimum on your item. After the grading, our gemologist will give you a recommended selling minimum. But at the end of the day, you get to decide how much you’re willing to sell the ring for. If the highest bid comes in below that threshold and you decide not to accept it, we will send you your ring back and will even cover the cost of the insured shipping again. Let us help you get the best deal possible for the jewelry you’ve outgrown.
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