People often forget how to keep a marriage alive and operate on auto-pilot. During these times, we can default to how our parents behaved when we were children and fall into those patterns of behavior. When we are in these situations, it’s easy to go through the motions and when things get bad, it often seems like there is no way to turn them around.
This week’s guest is relationship expert, author, and speaker Larry Bilotta. In Larry’s work his focus is to help bring couples back from the brink of divorce, and come back stronger than before. He contends that it only takes one person to transform a marriage and in this episode he shares the key to changing your outlook and saving a troubled marriage by improving your awareness and becoming more mindful.
Awareness is the first step to improvement. Being conscious of your behavior and actions is the necessary first step in stopping it from continuing. Without being aware that there is an issue, the behavior will continue and any hope of improvement is gone. Achieving awareness requires effort and humility in accepting that what you have been doing is not working. While this is may be made easier by working with your partner, it is absolutely doable by yourself.
While in a troubled marriage, your focus needs to be on yourself. By leaning into a healthier mindfulness, you become less tied to what your partner is doing or not doing, and your growth occurs independent of that. As you become more mindful, you will find yourself less caught up in the busyness and stress of trivial issues that often plague a relationship.
The success of transforming a troubled relationship is dependent upon the individual and their journey to mindfulness. If they are stuck in a reactive mindset and cannot move past their immediate issues, then they are unlikely to gain the awareness needed to improve their situation.
Awareness brings you to choices. You don’t suddenly become aware, it can be a confusing and long journey, but will always lead you to more happiness. There are different ways of moving closer to awareness, such as mediation, therapy, or spirituality.
As we grow apart, it is often rooted in childhood tendencies or behaviors that we engage in unconsciously. When we aren’t aware, we default to what we know and are familiar with, which is why childhood familiarities come to the fore. It’s during these times when we can grow apart from our partner because we are in a reactive headspace.
Think of your mind as split into two halves, the ocean and the beach. The ocean is dangerous, brings you down, and is full of “against” energy. The beach is where you can find happiness, freedom, and awareness. There are four steps that will help you get out of the ocean.
By going through these steps, you will be thrown out of the Ocean because your energy and positive sense of self cannot be held down. Being on the Beach does not necessarily guarantee happiness, but will set you up for success in the future. Staying on the Beach will be imperative as you navigate your journey to awareness and fulfillment.
Larry Bilotta is a relationship and marriage expert, author, and speaker specializing in midlife crisis, and the creator of a series of successful programs designed to help bring couples back from the brink of divorce—and coming back stronger than before.
Through his Environment Changer courses for men and women, Marriage 101, and others, Larry has helped tens of thousands of people save their sanity, marriages and regain control over their own lives and mindset.
Larry’s free guided webinar “3 Mistakes To Avoid When Your Spouse Says It’s Over” is available on his website, which you can find here.
Larry’s Website – https://larrybilotta.com/
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