Life isn’t about avoiding bruises. It’s about embracing your scars and living to the fullest.
We wanted to open this episode with this quote because Nicole Amaturo always does such a beautiful job of showing us how embracing every part of us leads to a fuller and happier life. You might remember Nicole from a few weeks ago. We were so glad to see you guys loved what she had to say as much as we do so we had her back on as soon as we could. Nicole talked about how leaving her ex husband was reflected back to her by her kids as her modeling the positive behavior of self-love…and that’s what this episode is all about.
Self-love is so important as you heal, and Nicole explains why it’s so necessary if you want to reach that thriving status you keep reading about on social media. You’ll be able to find Nicole in our Facebook group, or at worthy.com/podcast and work with her one on one on helping to create the love you deserve in your life.
Audrey: 00:00 Welcome to Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle, a branded podcast from Worthy. I’m Audrey, and I’m your host. Life isn’t about avoiding bruises. It’s about embracing your scars and living to the fullest. We wanted to open this episode with this quote, because Nicole Amaturo always does such a beautiful job of showing us how embracing every part of us leads to a fuller and happier life. You might remember Nicole from a few weeks ago. We were so glad to see that you guys loved what she had to say as much as we do, so we had her back on as soon as we could.
Nicole talked about how leaving her ex-husband was reflected back to her by her kids as her modeling the positive behavior of self love. That’s what this episode is all about. Self love is so important as you heal, and Nicole explains why it’s so necessary if you want to reach that thriving status that you keep reading about on social media to embrace self love. You’ll be able to find Nicole in our Facebook group or at worthy.com/podcast and work with her one on one to help create the love that you deserve in your life if you feel like that’s missing.
Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle is a weekly podcast, so make sure you subscribe to keep up with new episodes we’re curating to help empower and uplift you as you embrace your fresh start. This podcast is for you, so join our Facebook group, Worthy Women and Divorce, to let us know what you think and what you want to hear. You can also get more at worthy.com/podcast. We’re going to take a quick break, and then we’ll be right back with Nicole.
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Nicole Amaturo: 02:35 Hi, Audrey. I’m so excited to be here.
Audrey: 02:38 Well, we just adore you, and we’re so excited to do this episode. We are going to be talking about self love today, and how you can attract love into your life. Nicole is a professional at this. She’s a personal growth and self love coach. She is the person to turn to if you are looking to be happier with who you are, and to be happier with the relationships in your own life. I’m really excited that we’re doing this episode. I know people are dying to hear more about this and about what you do, so let’s get started.
Nicole Amaturo: 03:14 Perfect.
Audrey: 03:15 All right. Let’s talk about what does it mean to become the kind of person who you want to have in your life? What is this phrase all about?
Nicole Amaturo: 03:29 It’s funny. The first thing I think of is when I was younger, I remember watching Jerry Maguire if you’re familiar with that movie.
Audrey: 03:37 Uh-huh (affirmative).
Nicole Amaturo: 03:38 What the famous words in there were Renee Zellweger said to Jerry Maguire, like, “You complete me.” I remember being young at the time, and just thinking like, “Oh. What do you need a guy to complete you for? That’s so pitiful.” Everybody else fell in love with the statement. I would say that basically sums up to me my practice and my theory in self love, that when you become a complete and whole person on your own, you’re not looking for your other half, or your better half. You’re just looking for your equal, because you know how to fulfill the missing gaps within yourself. You know how to make yourself happy. You know how to make yourself laugh and meet your needs and you’re not looking for that outside person to be successful or organized, or a go-getter, because you are that person.
Self love is you figuring out your stuff, you healing your wounds, your triggers, and then attracting a person that is your equal that has done the same, or is willing to do the same. It doesn’t mean that you enter into a relationship perfect, because there is no perfect, ever. But, it just means that you’re aware, you’re living consciously and you’re aware and you’re awake, and you know, first and foremost that the only person that can ever make you truly happy is going to be you. Everybody else is just like the whipped cream and cherry on top.
Audrey: 05:14 Yeah. I keep thinking, with what you’re saying about somebody else completing you, I’m thinking about, “Well, okay. Self love, it basically suggests that you don’t need somebody else to complete you. Your whole self is comprised of who you are.” When you can develop a deeper understanding of all the parts of who you are, then you’re happier, or you’re more full. I’m thinking back to the last episode that we did together, and you were talking about, “Everybody has their little kid inside of them, that is informing who they are.” I’m thinking about, that’s definitely part of your wholeness, but also, are we ever really whole, and can we complete ourselves? What does it mean to be a full person, even?
Nicole Amaturo: 05:59 Right. Like I said, you’re never going to be perfect, right? Because, think about life really is a journey. You come here to fulfill certain soul lessons for the evolution of your own soul and your growth, but to be whole is not perfect. It means that you’re so self aware that you know when you’re being triggered. You know when you’re being depleted. You know what your needs are, and you are okay with asking for them, and you’re okay with giving them to yourself, and putting boundaries up in certain situations, and not accepting less than you deserve, and it’s a whole mixture of it, and sometimes you’re better at it than others.
I’ll be coaching my clients sometimes, and I’m like, “Why am I not able to do this right now?” Because certain areas, obviously, it’s always a work in progress. You’re always working to master the self, right?
Audrey: 07:04 Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Nicole Amaturo: 07:05 It’s just basically knowing that you’re not perfect, and that’s okay, and that you are going to have ugly moments, right?
Audrey: 07:05 Right.
Nicole Amaturo: 07:14 You have different pieces of yourself that you wish sometimes didn’t exist, but it’s embracing those selves, and accepting them and integrating them into who you are and loving them, because knowing they’ve gotten you to where you are now instead of trying to push those pieces away that accepted the abusive relationship, or that didn’t know how to speak up for herself, or anything like that. There really is never a perfect or a whole, right?
Audrey: 07:49 Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Nicole Amaturo: 07:50 Where you’re completely perfect, because it just doesn’t exist.
Audrey: 07:55 Right. I think when you think about that phrase you were talking about from Jerry Maguire, somebody coming in completing you, that’s also the idea that a relationship can be perfect, or a person can be the missing piece from your life that’s going to make it perfect. It’s an unrealistic expectation both for how you see yourself and how you see your partner, and what kind of happiness you can have. That’s not how it works.
Nicole Amaturo: 08:23 Exactly. That’s what I tell my clients always when they come to me. They’re like, “I haven’t found anybody. I’ve been searching. I’ve been divorced for seven years, and blah, blah, blah.” I’m like, “Okay. Let’s see what’s going on. If a person walks into your life right now, are you proud of what he’s going to see? Are you proud of who you are? Or, do you feel you have work to do?” They’re always like, “Well, no. I definitely feel like I have work to do.” They always say, “I don’t feel like I love myself enough.” Consciously, they’re like, “But I do, but if you ask me if I love myself, obviously, I love myself.” That’s what the hard part is. We don’t realize what that actually means and what that looks like. So, I always say, “It’s very easy to manifest love.” It is. There’s an abundance of men out there, women. You can manifest a partner very easily, actually, but it’s like, “What kind of partner do you want?” Right? Do you want a dependent relationship, where he’s filling the gaps within you and you’re broken, and you’re relying on him to be everything you can’t be, or do you want to work on you, become that person, right, that doesn’t feel like they need somebody, but yet they just want somebody to share life with, and then you’re creating a totally different kind of love with two healthy individuals.
Audrey: 09:52 Right. I’m just thinking about so many of the amazing women in our Facebook group who are sharing their stories, and I think you were talking about how maybe you’re finding somebody who you’re going to be dependent on, and another … the flip side of that is finding someone who’s not going to be dependent on you. We hear from so many women who talk about, “He had this issue and this issue,” and they felt like they were spending all their time trying to fix him or take care of him, and where does that fit into self love?
Nicole Amaturo: 10:17 Right. It’s funny. Self love really is … It’s messy, and it’s sometimes not pretty. Self love is really looking at who you are, like you said before, your inner child, right?
Audrey: 10:31 Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Nicole Amaturo: 10:32 What is it within you that you attracted someone that is basically suffocating you, that you’ve learned to be unseen and insignificant, because you’ve just put all his needs in front of yours.
Audrey: 10:45 Right.
Nicole Amaturo: 10:46 In that, it keeps you safe because that’s what you know as a child, so a lot of times, women that say that they attracted a narcissist, right? Narcissists are very hard to define as a true narcissist by the DSM, but if you feel like, in any relationship, that you are left to feel unseen and insignificant, then that means that that’s why you attracted a narcissist, because what’s a narcissist is is all about them, right?
Audrey: 11:15 Right.
Nicole Amaturo: 11:17 You look back into childhood, you’re like, “Okay.” It’s always the case that the women has felt unseen and insignificant since she’s a little girl. Unseen and insignificant means that somebody else’s needs were always put before theirs as a child. They learned to stay out of the way. They learned, in order to get love, they have to just be a good girl and take care of everybody else, and not worry about themselves and put their needs last, right? Then, what do you do? It’s energy, so you grow up and you’re like, “Why am I attracting all these men that I have to take care of or that I think are wonderful,” because that’s the thing. They’re like, “But, I don’t understand. In the beginning, they weren’t like this. How did I attract it?” It doesn’t matter, because energetically, you can’t see energy, right?
Audrey: 12:04 Right.
Nicole Amaturo: 12:05 So, energetically, it’s like the soul knows …
Audrey: 12:09 It’s familiar. It’s like the relationships that you’ve already known how to operate in.
Nicole Amaturo: 12:15 Exactly. Exactly. That’s where your comfort level is.
Audrey: 12:19 Right. Let me ask you a question, because I was going through some of your articles when I was preparing for our chat today, and one of the things that I see you talk a lot about is protective barriers, and I think that relates to what you’re talking about right now, so give us a little bit of an overview of what protective barriers are, and then tell us a little bit about how we can identify what our own protective barriers might be and what to do about them.
Nicole Amaturo: 12:46 Protective barriers are like contracts that you make with yourself as a little girl, because you realize that you can’t get your needs met. As a little girl, you’re smart and you say to yourself … You’re doing this unconsciously, of course, “If I keep having this need to be nurtured and to be loved, then I’m going to basically die, because it hurts too bad to not have it.” You contract that need out unconsciously, and say, “I don’t need love. I can take care of myself. Done.” Okay? Then, you’re building this wall around you and your heart. Instead, what you start to do in your environment is you might act like nothing phases you, like you’re a tough guy. You might answer back. You might rebel, blah, blah, blah. Then, when you grow up, you have a hard time letting men in, and you think that they’re emotionally unavailable. But, the truth of the matter is you’re emotionally unavailable, because having somebody that close to you is scary, because all you knew was that you couldn’t get love, or love was unsafe.
You protect yourself and you attract men that you can’t get close to, that are emotionally unavailable, but it’s only because it’s keeping you safe from having to let down that guard to allow another person in that could potentially hurt you or not meet your needs, but you don’t even realize that as a little person, you said, “I don’t need to be loved. I got it. I can take care of myself,” and then women wonder why they’re just attracting men that don’t support them, that aren’t there for them.
Audrey: 14:21 Yeah.
Nicole Amaturo: 14:23 It’s just a cycle where you think, “I’m the unlucky one,” when that’s really not the case. I had a client yesterday, which was the most amazing thing. It was the first time … She had bought my Heal in 21 course, and that’s a digital course that you do on your own, and with it, you can upgrade to sessions with me. She upgraded the package, and she had a session with me. She’s like, “I really tried to do this on my own, but I really think I need some guidance, and I need help with this, because all of this coming up for me.” It’s amazing, because it’s like as soon as you start working on your stuff, it intensifies, because you’re asking the universe, “What do I need to do to heal,” basically. I want to unblock whatever’s blocking me.
Audrey: 15:07 Yeah. Identify what these barriers are.
Nicole Amaturo: 15:07 Yes.
Audrey: 15:10 Okay.
Nicole Amaturo: 15:10 Exactly. The universe gives them to you. It’s like, “Here.” Then, we’re just on overload, because we’re like, “Why isn’t the stuff coming up? I feel it so more intently,” blah, blah, blah, but it’s really happening for you, so you can see what needs to come up to be healed. So, as we’re talking, she’s going through one of the activities that she already did in the course, and I was giving her my take on her upbringing and blah, blah, blah. It was so parallel to what she was attracting in the present day-
Audrey: 15:41 Wow.
Nicole Amaturo: 15:42 … to who she was when she was younger. Literally, two specific things that was so exact, and she was so excited by it, because she was like, “This is amazing, because now I can create what I want.”
Audrey: 15:59 Yeah. I mean, you gave her the opportunity to remove some of those barriers, which is literally liberating, and it has to feel so freeing and amazing.
Nicole Amaturo: 16:10 She celebrated. That night, she sent me a picture of her with her glass of wine or beer or whatever she had, and she’s like, “I’m cheers-ing to myself, my new life,” blah, blah, blah. But, it was amazing, because I saw this woman just completely shift right in front of my very eyes because she realized … She said, “How do I … If I’ve never gotten what I wanted in life, how do I think I can then?” Obviously, that’s an amazing question, right, because we’re like, “Oh, use and affirmation, like, ‘Oh, I get what I want.'” Yeah, that’s great, but how do you actually believe it too while you’re using it? I said to her, I was like, “Look at how powerful you are. Look what you created. You created circumstances in your life by men you attracted to feel exactly how you felt in childhood. You’re a pretty damn good manifester.” We started laughing. She’s like, “Yeah, now I just need to learn how to do it for my good.”
I’m like, “Exactly. Now, look at what you created that you didn’t want. Celebrate today, because now you have the … Your whole life, you’re going to create everything you do want by reversing these patterns from childhood when you were a little girl and engaging in the self love,” and of course, that night, she messaged me. She’s like, “Okay, I need to work one on one with you.” It was amazing though, because I saw her shift right in front of my very eyes.
Audrey: 17:27 Yeah. I want to talk a little bit more about this awareness, because I think that’s something that you talk a lot about also, why it’s so important to be self aware, and to be living in awareness, and so … I think in her case, these barriers, you put them up as kind of a defense mechanism, and you live your life and because that’s part of who you are, it leads to maybe picking the wrong person, or making your communication style more difficult, whatever it is, but being able to know those things about yourself, I think, for her, it gave her the opportunity to love herself more. It’s almost like you have to take a step down before you can take a step up.
Nicole Amaturo: 18:16 Right. You have to feel to heal. That’s what I always say.
Audrey: 18:19 I like that. Feel to heal.
Nicole Amaturo: 18:21 Yeah. That’s the truth, because we think we’re functioning and operating, and we’re okay with everything that happened. Remember, you don’t have to have this crazy, messed up childhood to have wounds and trauma. Okay? We all have our stuff. We go around thinking, like, “Oh, I dealt with that. Oh, I dealt with this.” Things come up all the time in my sessions with clients. I had something come up with a client the other day around a pregnancy that she ended up having a miscarriage, and she didn’t realize that that was even there, that she had to heal that part of herself. Things come up all the time in our sessions that you don’t realize it’s even in the background, right?
Audrey: 18:21 Yeah. It’s like …
Nicole Amaturo: 19:00 … Sessions that you don’t realize is even in the background, right?
Audrey: 19:03 Yeah. It’s like a dormant trauma.
Nicole Amaturo: 19:06 Yes, exactly. We’re so good at convincing ourselves we’re okay that we don’t realize how it affected us. The awareness part, I always say that is your healing. That is your healing. It goes like this. You have the awareness, like I told you my client had. It was a shift instantly. From there, what happens is you’re on the high because you have this awareness, and then what happens is you start to want to beat yourself up for being who you are or accepting less than and blah, blah, blah.
Audrey: 19:45 I know exactly the feeling you’re talking about, and I think sometimes when you’re in the process of making a breakthrough or coming to terms with something that’s really difficult about yourself, it’s so exhausting and then, okay, now you’ve done it, but it’s not the magic puzzle piece that was missing and now everything is complete. We’re back to this idea of you’re never going to be perfect. It can be so discouraging and so frustrating when you have a big moment like that and things don’t automatically get better for you.
Nicole Amaturo: 20:16 Exactly. That’s what you see. They medically want to beat themselves up. The next of your healing is the acceptance part. You have this awareness, okay, great. Now let’s accept what it was. Let’s accept who you were because you needed to be that person. There is no wrong partner. You didn’t pick a wrong partner because everybody was right for you for where you were. From there, it’s having compassion and unconditional love for yourselves. I say selves because we have so many different selves that we go through and evolve, and instead of pushing them away because, like I had earlier, they were less than or they cause us problems. We actually want to bring them in and love them and give them the compassion that they need because that’s all they knew and they did the best with what they knew. From there is where you have such a huge shift where you’re not judging, you’re not using should, you’re not shooting all over yourself anymore, and instead you’re just embracing and integrating. I have this integration meditation that I absolutely love where you just take your past selves, each one, and you integrate them into who you are today and you’re loving them.
Audrey: 21:41 I love that it’s yourself and it’s by separating yourself, you make yourself a bigger story, and you get to look at the smaller pieces. I love that. What did you say? It’s an interacting with yourself. What is it?
Nicole Amaturo: 21:57 It’s an integration selves meditation.
Audrey: 21:59 Integration. Uh-huh (affirmative).
Nicole Amaturo: 22:00 Yeah, because that allows you to fully accept each self and learn their role for you and give them love and compassion and bring them a part of you instead of pushing them away. It’s so empowering, and women love when they get to do this part because they just completely integrate themselves into one, and they feel full and whole and complete, and they’re no longer hating these past selves. I know when I was younger and I was in that abusive relationship, I wanted to push her away. I wanted nothing to do with that self, because I was like, how could you tolerate this? You made me feel dirty. I didn’t like the idea. For a long time, I wanted to just push her away, and then I had to love her and bring her in and embrace her because obviously she chose that she was hurting.
Audrey: 22:54 I think also, it must have been so healing for you. We all have moments of our lives where we think back on it and we’re ashamed of something that we did or we’re embarrassed about the way that something went or the way that maybe it looked from the outside. When you can learn to love those parts of you, it’s the best ever. You can sleep better. You can engage with yourself and with other people better. It’s the best.
Nicole Amaturo: 23:22 You’re so right. You know what starts to happen with the best? It’s that the more you start to accept you, all of a sudden, everybody around you just accepts you.
Audrey: 23:31 Totally.
Nicole Amaturo: 23:32 It’s a reflection. Once you start integrating and accepting those selves, everybody loves all of your selves and the piece of you, and you see it in your physical world.
Audrey: 23:43 I think it also starts to matter less because when you love yourself more, you find ways to trust your own opinion a little bit better. We have this quote, and this is one of my little mantras that I like to say to myself that nobody’s opinion of me matters as much as my own. We all live in the same world, but there’s so much that goes on with every individual person. Even though we’re interacting with each other in life, we really all have our own universes. There’s a saying that when a person dies, the whole universe dies with them and that each person is their own world. When you strengthen your own world and you find more courage to stand on your own feet, not only are people going to reflect positivity back to you, but when they don’t, it’s going to matter less because you’re more confident in your own perception of yourself.
Nicole Amaturo: 24:39 Yes. You know what? That is the key to being vulnerable. For so long when you’re emotionally unavailable, you are protecting yourselves. You’re protecting your little girl self that had less than you want everybody to know she had. You’re protecting your teenage self that didn’t measure up the way that you wish she had. You’re protecting all these selves from other people because you’re trying so hard to maintain that perfection, and you’re so vulnerable because you accepted it so it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. I could tell you anything about my life because I’ve come to terms with it and integrated it and accepted it. If I was still hiding, I wouldn’t want to be on a podcast or tell my stories. You know what I mean? Because I’d be scared of being judged.
Audrey: 25:30 Right. I think it really empowers you so much to find that love for yourself, and it leads to being able to find love in other places. We should take a really quick break and then we’ll come back and we can talk about how you can find love from outside of your own selves.
Nicole Amaturo: 25:52 Yes, perfect.
Audrey: 25:55 Moving past divorce is hard enough without your old engagement ring staring you in the eye every time you open your jewelry box. Worthy provides the smart solution for women looking to safely elevate their rings from dusty relics of hard times to financial assets to help you embrace your fresh start. Worthy covers the cost of insurance, shipping, grading and more. If you’re going to sell, sell smart with Worthy. Go to worthy.com/podcast to get started. We’re ready when you are. We are back with Nicole. I’m just having the best time talking with you,
Nicole. It’s always such a treat. I just think you have the best perspectives on stuff. We could go on and on and on, but this is about self love, not about Nicole and Audrey love, so let’s focus. I want to know, we’re talking about how self love can also not just lead to a happier you with all of the different parts of who you are, but also how self love can put you in a position where you can find romantic love and all other kinds of love in your life. How does somebody know that she is ready to commit herself to love or that she’s open to love? We talked about healing. What kinds of things do you think people should be aware of when they’re ready to get into a real relationship again?
Nicole Amaturo: 27:24 People will say to me, “Should I be dating or should I not be dating during this process as we’re working together?”
Audrey: 27:31 That’s so interesting. I didn’t even think about that.
Nicole Amaturo: 27:33 I know, because it makes sense when you think about it. If I’m supposed to be just dedicating my self love, should I just completely put blinders on to everyone else? Here’s the thing. A lot of where I learned what needed to be healed within myself was through partners and romantic relationships. Sometimes, you need what they’re offering because remember, we have soul contracts so somebody is supposed to come into our life to teach us something. I always tell them to go off of what they feel. There are times when I completely took a break, a hiatus from dating, and I wanted nothing to do with it, and I just worked on me. There are other times where I was like, okay, let me try this dating thing, blah, blah, blah.
What I started to do is get excited about, when I started to date someone new, I was excited because I got to see who I was and where I needed more growth, let’s say, or how far my healing came by what was being brought out with me from that exchange and that relationship. You know what I mean? They teach us romantic relationships are probably the biggest ways that we learn a lot about who we are because it’s often not always a reflection, a mirror for what’s going on within ourselves. I don’t want to ever say like, “You’ve made it. You’ve arrived. Now let’s go and date.” It never really looks like that. It’s a process.
I had a client that I was working with that was engaging with someone that was, for a while, way less than ideal of who she knew she deserved and everything that we were working on. She was like, “It’s so hard for me to just cut him out or just get rid of him, blah, blah, blah.” Ultimately, yeah, the perfect answer would be yes, cut him out because he’s taking up space energetically for the right person to come in. I always say, let’s say his name was Joe, when you’re ready to be done with Joe, you’ll be done with Joe. You might have a lesson in there that you’re not done with, and you need to see that.
What happens is as we’re working together and as I was working on my own healing, I was amping up the self love, and I was starting to take stances for my little girl. I wasn’t accepting less than I deserved anymore, blah, blah, blah. That’s all raising your vibration. Self love is the highest vibration you can be. When you’re doing that, it falls off eventually because it’s no longer a match and you no longer need what you used to need because you’ve healed those parts of you.
Audrey: 30:16 Yeah. I’m thinking about what kinds of things we need from people and what we need from ourselves and what we were saying earlier about how when you develop a stronger sense of self love, what other people reflect back to you as less important. I’m thinking about this client you’re talking about. She was involved with somebody who was not giving her what she deserved, but maybe if he’s not hurting her, if she feels like she can see the big picture and in the meantime, Joe is scratching her itch until the next guy comes along. You’re still living in your worth. Maybe it’s not quite the same thing as love, and it’s not necessarily in the way.
Back to the original question that I was asking you about when do you know that you’re ready? I guess it’s almost like I don’t know if you can really know that you’re ready because maybe you’re ready, but the person who you’re going to be with isn’t ready yet. It’s not just about are you ready? It’s a million other factors. In the meantime, is it something that that hurts you or is it something that, exactly what you were saying, are you going to have things that you can learn from it? I think it’s okay if all you’re learning is I’m having fun and I deserve to have fun. That’s self love too.
Nicole Amaturo: 31:38 Yes, you’re right though. Yes, that’s what I’m saying. It doesn’t look a specific way.
Audrey: 31:42 I would imagine that it does look a certain way when you’re definitely not ready.
Nicole Amaturo: 31:49 Well, that’s the truth. If you have pure chaos in your life, if you feel like a victim, if you are blaming the outside world for your circumstances, if you are just attracting one unhealthy relationship after another and you basically don’t like yourself. You know that. Then, no, you’re definitely not engaging in self love. That’s the opposite of what it actually starts to look and feel like, even in the very beginning stages.
Audrey: 32:23 I’m all about self love, and all I want to do is have everybody who listens to the podcast, is in our Facebook group, follows us on Instagram, I want to help them find self love, and I want them to be happy with who they are. I think that so much of what we’re missing … Not you and me. We do a great job. The internet, you see these memes and quotes and all these things that go around. Basically any Taylor Swift song that’s just about I deserve love, I deserve love, I deserve love, and there’s so much more. I think what you were just saying is I think it’s probably the most important lesson about all of this that if you are not ready to be happy, you’re just not going to be happy.
Nicole Amaturo: 33:11 Exactly. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. That’s the truth. My clients, I have to always honor where they are and meet them where they are. If you want to go in circles for a month that we’re working together because you still didn’t get the lesson, I’m going to honor that space, and I’m going to be there, and we’re going to walk through it together.
Audrey: 33:34 Yeah. I think what you said about circles, that’s a real thing, and sometimes you just got to keep going around that circle and believe that eventually, you’re going to end up at a different spot.
Nicole Amaturo: 33:45 Yes. It was funny. We were saying yesterday to one of my clients or a couple of days ago, we were saying how the universe works. The universe will quietly nudge you, this needs to be healed, and you’re not getting the lesson, then you’ll get maybe a harder tap. Something else will happen. When you’re not getting that one, you’ll get hit over the head with something.
Audrey: 34:11 Yeah, a piano will fall on you from the sky.
Nicole Amaturo: 34:14 Yes. Are you listening now? Do I have your attention now? If you’re not getting it then, then even something bigger will happen, a natural disaster, until it gets your attention.
Audrey: 34:27 You had a natural disaster.
Nicole Amaturo: 34:29 That’s why I laugh. Yes.
Audrey: 34:31 Yes. You told us about it was the blizzards when you were pursuing divorce.
Nicole Amaturo: 34:31 It was the hurricane.
Audrey: 34:36 The hurricane when you were pursuing your divorce. We’ll go back and listen to the first episode that we had, Nicole, if you haven’t heard it yet.
Nicole Amaturo: 34:45 Yes. That’s why I love you. You really have faith in me.
Audrey: 34:47 Well, I can’t help it. I find you fascinating. I think it’s really important, that idea, that if you’re reading a quote or hearing a podcast or whatever it is, sometimes it takes more than one go, and it takes a while to really learn it and feel it. You can hear the same things over and over again and eventually it’ll click. I like to think of how life is full of ups and downs, and when you’re in a down moment, it’s really hard to see the big picture. Where you are now is not where you’ve been before, and it’s certainly not where you’re going to be for the rest of your life. That’s an important thing when you feel like self love isn’t happening for you. It’s a process.
Nicole Amaturo: 35:31 It is. That is the most important part, is that. I always say, you were like this for 30 years. Do you think that in two months, it’s going to completely reverse? You’re just going to be this brand new woman. No, it’s going to take you a little bit of time to reverse the old patterns to integrate new beliefs into your subconscious mind and believe them. It’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Like we were saying the other day, one of the biggest phrases we’ve been saying in my group and with my clients is this shit works because they get to a place and all of a sudden, they’re repeating back to me the things that I’ve been telling them.
Audrey: 36:13 It’s so gratifying.
Nicole Amaturo: 36:14 I just look at them and laugh. They’re like this shit really does work. Oh my, God. I’ve been telling you that.
Audrey: 36:22 Oh my, gosh. I just love communities like that. It’s really the best.
Nicole Amaturo: 36:26 It’s the best.
Audrey: 36:28 You and I can just go on and on forever. I want to make sure that we talk a little bit more about the love in your life and finding a partner. I have a little quote here from one of the articles that you’ve written for Worthy. It’s called Four Steps to Attract the Love You Deserve. In this article, you’re talking about when you attract love that you don’t deserve, love that’s not really worthy of you. Here’s what you wrote. You said, “We must heal from the inside out and begin to understand why we are attracting the wrong partners. We are all powerful beings with the capability of manifesting our greatest desires that if our beliefs and thoughts are not in alignment with our desires, then we will fail at bringing our desires into fruition each time.”
et’s talk a little bit about that, about what it means when you’re attracting the wrong partners and what people who feel like they’re stuck in that pattern can try doing differently.
Nicole Amaturo: 37:25 People will analyze beliefs, and they’ll be like, “I think love is safe.” They don’t realize that as a child, they saw their parents fighting all the time, that there is divorce or it wasn’t a pretty divorce. They hated each other. They heard dad saying, “Just don’t get married,” and mom saying, “Stay away from men. They’re bad, blah, blah, blah.” You don’t realize that you have this in the background because you grow up and you’re forming your own systems and you’re putting them in place. You don’t realize that they’re there in the background,so you start to date.
Nicole Amaturo: 38:00 You don’t realize that they’re there in the background. So, you start to date, and you’re like, “Okay.” You think it’s just by chance, and you’re just like, “Oh, this guy looks cute,” and you start to have a relationship with and engage with him. And all of a sudden, you’re looking at your outside world, and you start to realize that what you think you believe and what is being manifested in your physical world is completely out of alignment. Right?
You’re getting in front of you a man that is cheating on you, and that love doesn’t feel safe with, but you think, “Of course I think love is safe. Why wouldn’t I think love is safe?” And you’re not awake yet, right? And then, all of a sudden, you start to realize, “Well, wait a minute. Yeah. I mean, I guess when I was growing up I didn’t realize. I was so little. I didn’t think I even thought about it.” But, you know, Mom was doing this, and Dad was saying that, and that’s what I saw.
Audrey: 38:58 And, you know, not just that. I mean, you reference Jerry Maguire. That’s not your parents. That’s not real people who are in your life, but-
Nicole Amaturo: 39:05 That’s society.
Audrey: 39:06 Yeah. You know? And especially, you think about the way that love is portrayed in the movies or the TV shows, even the books that we read. Maybe you’re thinking it looks like something that it doesn’t feel like, or there’s a disconnect.
Nicole Amaturo: 39:22 Yes.
Audrey: 39:22 There’s so many different ways that love can get convoluted for each person, and working through that can take time.
Nicole Amaturo: 39:34 Yeah. And that’s why I always say, you get your beliefs from your parents, your friends, your teachers, church, society and everything in between. Right?
Audrey: 39:34 Right.
Nicole Amaturo: 39:44 So, the funniest part is what do we always tend to watch, right? Movies where love is a struggle, and they have to fight to be together. And then at the end they finally get to be together, and it’s like, but they had to go through hell to get there. That’s what society portrays in movies, right?
Audrey: 40:02 Right. And then the hell ends.
Nicole Amaturo: 40:05 Yeah. And then, you know, the heavens lift, and now we can be together. So, what is that teaching you?
Audrey: 40:12 Well, but that’s also when the movie ends.
Nicole Amaturo: 40:15 Yes. Does anybody want to watch this real, good, healthy life instead of the struggle and the hell that you have to get to get there?
Audrey: 40:25 Right. Right.
Nicole Amaturo: 40:25 But that’s what we take on, and that’s what we watch, right? You’re watching this as a little girl. It’s penetrating into your subconscious. Love is a struggle. So, what do you create? You create these relationships where love is a struggle, and you have to fight to be together, and you see it in the ending of a movie. They end up together, so, this is just what we have to go through to be together, and it’s going to be that much greater.
Audrey: 40:47 It’s also … It’s not just silly romance. It’s things that you hear people say all the time, like, “Behind every great man is a woman who’s supporting him.”
Nicole Amaturo: 40:55 Yes.
Audrey: 40:55 And just all these things that are reinforced about how you can change a man, or you can save a man, or you’re the girl who’s going to change him. Whatever it is.
Nicole Amaturo: 41:07 Yep, and you could rescue him.
Audrey: 41:09 Right. Exactly.
Nicole Amaturo: 41:10 Yeah. And think about when you’re little, right? It’s funny, my daughter said this the other day. She said something about … I can’t remember who said it to her, but something about just be careful, because guys only want one thing. Right? So, you are this 16-year-old girl believing that basically guys are pigs and they suck, and you have to protect yourself, right? Because if they only want one thing, then they can’t possibly ever like me for who I am, right?
So, this is being instilled, and I had to reverse that with my daughter, and talk about it a little bit. Like, “Well, no, not necessarily.” You know? “Not every guy is like that.” And to talk about different examples of great guys, you know? But that’s what … I know I was told that as a little girl, that guys only want one thing. And you learn to not trust men, and then you have that in your subconscious, and what do you attract but men that just want one thing. You know? We don’t realize where we’re getting these things from, so people are like, “Well, how do I know what my beliefs are?” Blah, blah, blah. I always say, “Look at your outside world.”
As a matter of fact, we’re in the middle of FLY Girl right now. We just had our first session, and that was one of the things they had to do, was they had to analyze their beliefs around love, men, marriage, and themselves. So, “How do I know that?” “Look at your outside world. What have you created?” And then it’s like an instant light bulb moment. Like, “Holy shit, I need some work. Okay.” But that’s how you know that there’s that discrepancy between what you say you want and what you’re getting.
Audrey: 42:53 Yeah. And I think, you know, you’ve said this a few times, but it’s like sometimes this is just stuff that’s inside you. It might be a little bit out of your control, and it’s a result of everything that you’ve been exposed to in your life. I think that one of the best things about self-love is really unpacking every piece of who you are, the good and the bad, and knowing it. And then that really leaves you with the tools to move forward and have a healthy relationship with yourself, a healthy relationship romantically.
You know, I’ve mentioned it in interviews with other people now, I just, I love the way that you talk about your kids and about the way that your divorce set a good example for them about living in your worth and knowing that you deserve love, that you’re worthy of love and happiness. I think that’s a really important piece of this, too, and it goes back to what we were saying about how, when you’re confident with yourself, other people will like you more too. Their own doubts about you are silenced by the ways that you’re sure of yourself. Yeah.
Nicole Amaturo: 44:00 [crosstalk 00:44:00] yeah. Yeah.
Audrey: 44:00 So, I think one of the things that can be hard about this for people is that there are guys who only want one thing.
Nicole Amaturo: 44:09 Right.
Audrey: 44:11 There are bad guys out there, just like there’s bad bosses, there’s-
Nicole Amaturo: 44:15 There’s bad women.
Audrey: 44:16 Yeah. There’s bad women. There’s bad friends. There’s bad bank tellers. It’s not like once you find self-love everybody who you’re going to interact with in your life is also going to be enlightened and wonderful.
Nicole Amaturo: 44:30 Right, right.
Audrey: 44:31 So, I think … We’re going to have to wrap up soon, but I want to make sure that we talk about what to do when you’re alone. Okay, so, I’m going to read you a little something. This is being alone does not equate to being lonely. Being alone creates growth and allows you the chance to get to know yourself. This is something that you wrote in another article you did for Worthy called How To Be Alone Without Being Lonely. So, I really want you to talk a little bit about that and about what people can keep in mind while they’re waiting for a wonderful relationship to be a part of their life.
Nicole Amaturo: 45:03 Right. So, that’s the scariest part of when you’re getting a divorce, I know for me. Right? When I was getting a divorce, it was the first time that I was alone in 35 years, because even there was a ton of love in my family, it was a typical, overbearing Italian household, where you’re not really encouraged, necessarily, to explore yourself, let’s say, and really embrace your freedom. You know?
So, I went from that, then, to a crazy, controlling relationship when I was 17 to 19. Then I was married from, actually, the 19 to 35. It was the first time that I was actually really alone every other weekend. And I never forget the feeling of jumping out of my skin, of, “What do I do with my life? My time? Who am I? Who am I besides a mom and a wife?” And that was the first time that I was actually having to deal with this.
Audrey: 46:12 You know, somebody was just writing, almost word-for-word what you’re saying in the Facebook group this week.
Nicole Amaturo: 46:18 Oh, really?
Audrey: 46:18 Yeah. I saw somebody saying the same thing. Like, “I’m 38-year-old and I have not … Who am I?”
Nicole Amaturo: 46:24 Yes.
Audrey: 46:24 Yeah.
Nicole Amaturo: 46:25 Exactly.
Audrey: 46:26 This is something I think a lot of people can really relate to.
Nicole Amaturo: 46:29 We learn, basically, that self-love is selfish. So, you’re taught you put your family first, and your kids’ needs first, and blah, blah, blah, and we do that. That’s what society teaches us. That’s what we learn. And then we do that for however long we’re married, and then we’re alone, and we’re like, “Hmm. I have to explore myself. I have some freedom. Shit.” And a lot of people will ruin that, and they’ll end up sabotaging that, because they don’t know how to deal with the freedom.
So, I made a pact with myself to learn how to be alone without being lonely. It wasn’t an easy thing, and I had to figure out how to do it. I’ll never forget, I remember I would wait for my friends to be able to do something. Like, “Okay, at least I know this Friday’s filled up.” Or that Sunday. Or, “Maybe I can go to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend’s birthday party. Okay, good. That Sunday’s now filled up.”
Then I was like, “Okay, Nic. You can’t do this any more. You need to learn how to have fun and enjoy your own company by yourself.” So, what I did was, I remember I was at work one day, and I created this little pocket list, I called it, instead of a bucket list, because I always thought bucket list sounds like you’re dying. You know?
Audrey: 47:54 A pocket list. Okay.
Nicole Amaturo: 47:55 So, I was like, “Let’s do a pocket list.” And in there, what I would do was I would put anything I saw that I wanted to try. So, if I saw a billboard with something, and it looked interesting, I’d put it on there, and then I’d research it. There was other columns for, like, I’d research how much was it-
Audrey: 48:15 It’s like your Watch Later list on Netflix for life.
Nicole Amaturo: 48:18 Yeah. It is. You’re so right. That’s what it is.
Audrey: 48:22 Yeah.
Nicole Amaturo: 48:22 And then I would put if I tried it and if I liked it, and I’d reflect. So, I’d just basically create an ongoing little list of things I can do when I’m alone. Then, what I started to do was I started to just connect with myself. In that, I didn’t feel alone. When I started to connect with something bigger and greater besides just me, by meditating or, you know, I always talked about my, in the last podcast, I saw my random feathers and my numbers, and I started to realize that, ” Okay, I’m actually not alone.” I could breathe. Just thinking about it and breathing, I’m like, “Okay, I remember this feeling. I’m being guided. Somebody’s with me.”
And then, I had to remember that I’m being supported. No matter what, right now, I’m where I’m supposed to be, because otherwise I wouldn’t be here. So, the universe is going to support me. And I would literally put a reminder in my phone, I still have it to this day, every single day at 5:00 P.M., I’d get a reminder on my phone that the universe supports me.
Audrey: 49:34 That’s so sweet.
Nicole Amaturo: 49:35 I needed it. It was just an instant reminder.
Audrey: 49:38 You know, it’s not just that the universe supports you, it’s also, you know, we talked about all these different selves, and when you can learn to rely on those selves and all of the different messages that that can reinforce for you. I mean, that’s also different than being alone.
Nicole Amaturo: 49:52 Yes. You’re so right. Absolutely.
Audrey: 49:56 All right. So, I think we’re going to have to wrap up, but before I let you go, I want to congratulate both of us for doing a whole episode about self-love without saying the cliché about putting your mask on on the airplane before helping your children.
Nicole Amaturo: 50:11 Oh, that’s so funny.
Audrey: 50:14 Because it feels like people just can’t resist the need, you know?
Nicole Amaturo: 50:17 So funny.
Audrey: 50:20 So, first, good on us for that.
Nicole Amaturo: 50:23 Cheers to us.
Audrey: 50:24 Right. Cheers. I love me, and I love you. That stuff helps too. But I also … I think that self-love as an idea, this concept is probably … Every single person has lived most of their life without this kind of awareness, and one of the things that we really made a point of saying in this episode is that it’s not something that happens overnight, and you have to give yourself time to do it. So, what would you say is, for people who are listening, what’s one thing that they can add? Maybe it’s that notification on their phone, but what would you recommend people do to start on a journey of self- love?
Nicole Amaturo: 51:00 Set the intention first and foremost that you are open to understanding what self-love looks and feels like, and that you really want to try this out. In that, the universe will lead the way, and will provide opportunities for you. Take yourself on a date. Go to the movies alone. Go to breakfast alone. Walk the beach alone. Whatever that is, start to get comfortable being uncomfortable. That is the best way to start. Just set the intention, and then you’re going to start to take little actions, small steps in that direction.
For me, I flew to the other side of the world, to Australia, because I needed to prove to myself that I could do it, and that I could be alone, and I’ll be okay. You don’t have to be that drastic.
Audrey: 51:55 That’s amazing. You could also go to space if you wanted to take it to the next level.
Nicole Amaturo: 52:02 Seriously. Start small, but spend that time alone with yourself, because in that, you’re really going to really like you. And I always say, self-love is great, but it’s so awesome when part of it is that you really like yourself, and you come back feeling so connected to you, and you want to share that self with other people.
Audrey: 52:25 Yeah. And I think that’s contagious. We were saying people will like you more when you like yourself. That’s what it is. It’s like you radiate this positivity when you value things about yourself, and it makes it more obvious to other people what they should value about you. You know? If you go around talking about how there’s this drama, there’s that drama, or things are so hard with this person, you’re filling your life with negativity. And if you take the time to identify the positive things about who you are and what makes you special, that’s what other people are going to think about when they think about you, too.
Nicole Amaturo: 52:59 Absolutely. Because, remember, life is a mirror. So, what you’re going to get back is always going to be, or, most of the time going to be, a reflection of who you are.
Audrey: 53:13 Well, I hope anyone who’s listening feels like who they are is worthy and wonderful, and is excited about getting to know their selves better, and if they want some help doing that, Nicole, where can they find you?
Nicole Amaturo: 53:27 On Facebook, you can follow me at Nicole Amaturo. I’d love for you all to join my group, Manifest Love Through Self-Love. In there, I do video trainings every single night on different topics around self-love, and you can also follow me on Instagram, @NicoleAmaturo. My website is NicoleAmaturo.com, so I make it pretty easy.
Audrey: 53:50 And we’ll make it even easier. We’ll have her stuff over at Worthy.com/Podcast. Nicole, we love having you in our Facebook group, Worthy Women and Divorce.
Nicole Amaturo: 53:59 Yes.
Audrey: 53:59 So, if you’re not ready to commit to Nicole, you can start training there, and see some of the amazing things that she’s sharing and I’m sure you’ll find her as irresistible as I do.
Nicole Amaturo: 53:59 I love you.
Audrey: 54:09 So, Nicole, thank you so much for joining me again, and you’re always welcome. I love learning from you, and I’m just so excited to bring your positivity and your wholeness to our listeners.
Nicole Amaturo: 54:24 Thank you so much. I literally adore being with you, in your presence, and with Worthy.
Audrey: 54:30 Oh, thanks.
Nicole Amaturo: 54:31 So, thank you all.
Audrey: 54:34 Thanks again to Nicole for joining us, and to all of you for listening. Next week, we’ll be sitting down with Vikki Ziegler. You might remember her from Untying The Knot, her show on Bravo from a couple of years ago, and if you do you’re probably as big of a fan of hers as we are. Vikki is an incredible divorce attorney, female entrepreneur, and media personality, whose relationship advice is practically unparalleled. We are so excited to have her on to share her best advice with you, and talk about how divorce is portrayed in pop culture. Make sure you subscribe so you can catch every new episode of Divorce And Other Things You Can Handle in your feed weekly. If you like what you hear, rate and review us to help other women like you find us.
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