I Chose Him

By Nicole Amaturo | Oct 22nd, 2019

You may remember my blog that was published by Worthy back in 2016 titled, I Chose Me. It was about my choice to walk away from a marriage that no longer served my highest good and how I made the scary choice to choose me. When I said I Chose Me, what I meant by that was that instead of staying in a marriage that no longer served either of us after years of marriage therapy and trying to get it right, I freed myself from all expectations and “shoulds” and chose my happiness. My healing. My growth. My love for myself. I walked away from a 16-year marriage to a good man that just wasn’t meant to be my forever man. I had a burning desire that there was something more for me. That the love and passion I dreamt of did exist and was out there. But, I knew it was up to me to allow myself to trust my intuition and go after it even if it made no sense to most, myself included. I had to trust and give myself permission to myself to want a divorce, as I explained in my podcast interview in 2018 with Worthy titled, “It’s Ok to Want A Divorce”. 

This podcast episode that Worthy released was life-changing for so many of you. I received TONS of messages and thank you’s. I was told over and over again how so many of you “fell to the ground crying” when you heard my words on this episode. You said you felt like I was in your head. You finally felt seen, heard, and understood. It made me realize how so many women are unhappy in their marriages and are struggling to keep it together. To maintain a life that is approved and accepted by society, family, friends, and religion, just like I did. So many of you don’t trust yourself and how you feel. You tell yourself to stay and just be happy. That he’s a good man. You blame yourself that you are just not capable of love. That you are messed up in the head. All lies that I once felt too. So, as I write this next part to my story today titled, I Chose Him, I hope it gives hope to all of you struggling. My wish is that you trust in yourself and your soul’s journey. That you give yourself permission to finally go after what you want. That you know, through my story, that the love you dream of is out there waiting for you to allow it in. 

My divorce was finalized in June of 2014 and I dated lots of the wrong guys before I reached my guy. With each wrong guy, I learned something new about parts of myself that needed to be healed inside. I realized I had this inner little girl within me that was still carrying beliefs and thoughts about herself, men, love, and how the world works. She was the one in the driver’s seat while I was dating and she was attracting all the men that would allow her to feel the very things she needed to heal but were buried deep in her subconscious mind. My little girl inside of me still believed she wasn’t enough. That she wasn’t seen and significant. That she should just stay small and stay out of the way. That she didn’t get what she wanted. I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the point. So, I kept on attracting men that brought out all these feelings in me until I finally got the memo that it wasn’t just that there were crappy men out there, but rather it was just my crappy beliefs that were attracting them. So, I journeyed into myself and healing my little girl until he finally made his way to me.

I realized I had this inner little girl within me that was still carrying beliefs and thoughts about herself, men, love, and how the world works.

I wish I could tell you some romantic Cinderella love story of how it happened but instead, I will tell you of a realistic love story that still has a happy ending. A love story that could happen at any time and any day for you too. For me, it happened in February of 2016 when I walked into a bar with a friend to kill time while waiting for another friend to get off of work. We randomly went into the bar and restaurant, Boathouse Bar & Grill, in Belmar, NJ, and there he was across the bar with his friend. 

I recognized his friend almost right away and said hello from across the bar. They were my younger sisters’ friends who I happened to meet a year prior to this through her. I never would’ve thought in a million years that he was the man I was looking for all my life. When I met him a year prior, my exact words to my sister about him were, “Who is he? I love him!” But, I didn’t think anything of it because…well…he was 11 years younger than me. I just loved his energy and thought he was adorable. So I never thought twice about him again after that. But, apparently, God/Universe had other plans unknowingly to us.

From that moment on, we basically never left each other’s side. There were some obstacles we went through to be together but I’ll save you from all the details. Let’s just say I had a ton of resistance because he was younger and I was judging it at first instead of looking at it as two souls that could’ve possibly been meant to be. As soon as I allowed myself to allow him in, he became my forever. BUT, being divorced once already had its challenges. I was still scared of love no matter how much inner work I did so it took me a while to actually, energetically Choose Him even though I “chose him” and was committed to him for over 3 years. You get what I’m saying?

Let’s just say I had a ton of resistance because he was younger and I was judging it at first instead of looking at it as two souls that could’ve possibly been meant to be.

“Love” and “forever” quite honestly scared the shit out of me. It made my chest tighten and fear set in, which made me realize I had a ton of beliefs about marriage and love in place that I had never worked through. As soon as we would get into an argument, my instant reaction was to say “maybe we just weren’t meant to be forever. Maybe this is all we were meant to be for each other.” But, I never believed that. I was terrible at trusting unconditional love. How did I know that he wouldn’t leave? That it would be forever this time? So, if I didn’t allow him in too close and instead pushed him away, then I wouldn’t be hurt if anything happened. All BS my EGO tried to feed me. I was scared of intimacy, love, and commitment. Even though I was teaching others how to receive love, I didn’t even realize I feared unconditional love the way that I did.

We worked on this together as I continued to work on myself and my ideas around love and marriage. I finally Chose Him unconditionally in August of 2019 as we said, “I Do.” I chose to love him even though and not until. I chose a partner that I can grow with. That shows up for me time and time again. That I know forever is possible with him because we are both willing and committed to putting in the work it takes for a relationship to evolve as two people evolve. We promised to choose each other and our love every single day, especially when it’s the hardest. I chose a partner who has taught me what unconditional love is and is my equal. He challenges my own growth, as I challenge his. We are committed to each other, ourselves, and our love. None of this would have been possible if I didn’t Choose Me five years ago. 

I’m a Love and Personal Growth Coach and yet I am still always uncovering new layers to my own healing that enable me to go deeper, more vulnerable, and more intimate each day. My own edge is continuously pushed deeper than I knew I was capable of going in love. Love is my soul’s purpose. The more I show up for myself and our love, the more I can show up for all of you. Gary is his name and he has taught me that love is safe. Love is fun. Love has no limits. Although he is younger than me, his soul came here to teach mine to trust unconditional love with an equal partner. Relationships aren’t meant to just be easy. They will often bring out your deepest triggers but when you have two conscious people committed to working on their stuff independently and together, higher conscious love is created. This is what we have and that’s why I Chose Him. Trust that God/the Universe knows what they are doing. Allow and give a chance to the ones who treat you how you deserve to be treated even if it’s hard to accept at first. He is out there waiting for you to allow it and you’ll walk into him when you least expect it. I would love to hear your story and how you Chose Him too. I invite you to please join me in my facebook community, Manifest Love through Self-Love.