17 Funny Divorce Sayings to Make You Put On a Happy Face

funny divorce sayings
Laura Lifshitz

By Laura Lifshitz | Oct 7th, 2019

Divorce is no laughing matter but if you don’t laugh a bit throughout the process and find the good, it’s going to kill your spirit. Making light and finding humor in life is a key coping strategy for getting through the bad and moving on to the good in life. Keep these 17 funny sayings and quotes about divorce in your back pocket for whenever you need a good smile—and a laugh!

1. When you physically feel ill—don’t worry … you’re not alone!

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass.
-Mary Kay Blakely

2. Be wary of lawyers …

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.
– Jean Kerr

3. If your divorce thrills you—you’re on the right track!

Divorces are made in heaven.
– Oscar Wilde

4.  You always wanted a clean tidy home.

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
– ZsaZsa Gabor

5. And you thought you were wary of marriage. Think again …

I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.
– Bette Davis

6. You get a little bit wiser—a little bit stronger.

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
– Jean Kerr

7. It’s all about the benjamins, baby.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
– Shinichi Suzuki

8. No laughing in the back row, ok?

Take this marriage thing seriously – it has to last all the way to the divorce.
-Roseanne Barr

9.  Isn’t it ironic?

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
– Groucho Marx

10. Love seems so silly …

Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

11. Now that’s what I call faith and devotion!

I can’t get divorced because I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.
-Lenny Clarke

12. Well then how do those end?

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.
-Joan Rivers

13. If murder is the easier option then, damn.

My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.
-Joyce Brothers

14. Happy wife—happy life? Depends on who you ask!

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
-Red Skelton

15. And more thoughts on money, money, money …

Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.
-Rita Mae Brown

16. That’s perspective …

Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is a piece of paper.
-Taylor Jenkins Reid

17. What a pragmatic view of marriage …

My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money.
-Wendy Liebman

Laura Lifshitz

Laura Lifshitz

Laura Lifshitz is a writer, comedienne, a former MTV VJ and Columbia University grad. Find her work in the NYTimes, Worthy, and other sites. Visit her at frommtvtomommy.com.


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