Feeling betrayed in a divorce is very common. But women often do not even realize the feeling is betrayal. They feel angry and resentful. This is the betrayal of broken expectations about marriage, your self, or your world. Women often identify with this feeling of betrayal once it’s explained to them as betrayal.
Even when a divorce doesn’t involve infidelity there’s a feeling of betrayal. We think things like, “that isn’t what marriage was supposed to be!” and “What’s wrong with me?” even though we rationally know there are many reasons for divorce
Inside, our childhood voice thinks, “if I were good enough this wouldn’t have happened”
We may carry these thoughts in our hearts and bodies even when in our heads we know better
When you are betrayed, you are the victim. You have been duped. You are in pain and the only way through it… is through it.
Does Seeing the Bigger Picture about Betrayal Help?
Seeing the bigger picture about betrayal in divorce helps people understand their previous and current expectations, and to regain control.
Maybe our expectations based on culture, society, religion, family etc. weren’t actually realistic.
Once you recognize this, you can be kinder to yourself and better communicate your expectations to others, such as your co-parenting ex.
Now you have a much greater chance for success in co-parenting. Your ex may not meet your current expectation but at least you understood them and communicated them.
How can I meet my own expectations, even when my ex can’t? Being able to do this gives you more control over your internal state
Is there a process for Overcoming the Betrayal?
Lora’s five step process: FLAUNT!
You should spend about six months going through this. You can’t just rip yourself open and dig up the childhood expectations that were formed. You have to process and ponder these.
It is an understanding developed through living, inquiry, journaling, and talking to the right people who ask the right questions.
Questions to Identify the origins of your expectations
1. What is this really about? Why am i so emotional / upset?
2. What similar situation does this remind me of?
This will help you start gaining insight into what you believe.
We don’t give our expectations from childhood a lot of conscious thought in our daily lives.
When it comes to your expectations for marriage, you can think about the visuals from Disney movies and princesses you watched as a kid. We subconsciously take in these messages of being the perfect wife and mother.
When you aren’t perfect, you blame yourself for not meeting this impossible standard.
Recovering the origins of your betrayed expectations isn’t about getting angry at or blaming your parents or other childhood factors.
There’s a chain effect. Your parents likely loved you and the best they could for you.
An attorney, TEDx speaker, and coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up for ourselves. Her superpower is helping others stop abandoning themselves by seeking to please, conform, and perform and start defining themselves on their own terms. Inspired by her own betrayal journey, Lora also works with women who have been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to use their devastation as an invitation to reclaim their confidence, identity, and self-worth.
She is the creator of Life Choreography® burnout-recovery framework and leads Step into Your Moxie® workshops and training that help participants speak up and advocate for themselves. Her award-winning book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy and Spiritual Self, has led to international speaking and training opportunities, and she has a top-rated podcast, FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal.
Mandy Walker is a divorce mediator and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® based in Boulder, Colorado. She works with individuals and couples helping them to end their relationships with dignity and respect, creating an understanding of the process and their options so they can feel confident in the decisions they’re making.