When people think about the betrayal of divorce, they often think of infidelity. But the betrayal is about so much more. It’s about feeling betrayed by ideals we were raised with including:
That marriage is forever
That it will be our happily ever after
That we’ll have a perfectly happy family
The idea of what even counts as family
Our roles as wife and mother.
Being betrayed by these ideals can leave us feeling angry and resentful. And this can hold us back from realizing our full potential.
Feeling betrayed in a divorce is very common. But women often do not even realize the feeling is betrayal. They feel angry and resentful. This is the betrayal of broken expectations about marriage, your self, or your world. Women often identify with this feeling of betrayal once it’s explained to them as betrayal.
Even when a divorce doesn’t involve infidelity there’s a feeling of betrayal. We think things like, “that isn’t what marriage was supposed to be!” and “What’s wrong with me?” even though we rationally know there are many reasons for divorce
Inside, our childhood voice thinks, “if I were good enough this wouldn’t have happened”
We may carry these thoughts in our hearts and bodies even when in our heads we know better
When you are betrayed, you are the victim. You have been duped. You are in pain and the only way through it… is through it.
Does Seeing the Bigger Picture about Betrayal Help?
Seeing the bigger picture about betrayal in divorce helps people understand their previous and current expectations, and to regain control.
Maybe our expectations based on culture, society, religion, family etc. weren’t actually realistic.
Once you recognize this, you can be kinder to yourself and better communicate your expectations to others, such as your co-parenting ex.
Now you have a much greater chance for success in co-parenting. Your ex may not meet your current expectation but at least you understood them and communicated them.
How can I meet my own expectations, even when my ex can’t? Being able to do this gives you more control over your internal state
Is there a process for Overcoming the Betrayal?
Lora’s five step process: FLAUNT!
You should spend about six months going through this. You can’t just rip yourself open and dig up the childhood expectations that were formed. You have to process and ponder these.
It is an understanding developed through living, inquiry, journaling, and talking to the right people who ask the right questions.
Questions to Identify the origins of your expectations
1. What is this really about? Why am i so emotional / upset?
2. What similar situation does this remind me of?
This will help you start gaining insight into what you believe.
We don’t give our expectations from childhood a lot of conscious thought in our daily lives.
When it comes to your expectations for marriage, you can think about the visuals from Disney movies and princesses you watched as a kid. We subconsciously take in these messages of being the perfect wife and mother.
When you aren’t perfect, you blame yourself for not meeting this impossible standard.
Recovering the origins of your betrayed expectations isn’t about getting angry at or blaming your parents or other childhood factors.
There’s a chain effect. Your parents likely loved you and the best they could for you.
You had an unrealistic expectation(s). When it is not met, you have to deal with it and it’s up to you to process this.
Tools you can use:
Humor
Enlisting help
Communicating with someone
About Lora Cheadle’s Book
Lora’s book FLAUNT! helps women shed layers of their identity and embrace all facets of who you really are.
We are all smart, sexy, and spiritual in our own ways.
The book provides practical advice, steps, exercises and stories that guide listeners to strip away layers of belief and identity so that they can shine.
Like a gemstone, all facets of you need to be exposed so you shine brilliantly. Don’t hide things about yourself.
Divorce is an introspective time. Look inwards, reinvent yourself, strip away layers and accept yourself the way you are.
Acceptance is what it’s all about
FLAUNT – “AU” = Accept Unconditionally – this is where the gold is.
Accept yourself exactly the way you are like children do.
Overcoming the Betrayal of Divorce: FLAUNT
Overcoming the betrayal of divorce takes a lot of time, effort and work.
FLAUNT – Lora’s 5 Steps
F – Find your fetish
Fun naughty word – we think that if we do anything to please ourselves, we’re being selfish but we aren’t.
How do you feel? What do you want in this moment? Today?
L – Laugh out loud
Allow ourselves even nervous laughter. This reclaims our nervous system, provides balance, processes emotion
Leaning into joy helps us reconnect with our hearts and bodies and brings us physical joy
Rewards of Overcoming Betrayal
The biggest reward is a sense of peace inside; knowing who you are, why you are here, and what you want to do
No matter what happens around you, you know you will be okay; that you’ve got yourself.
Not settling for less than you deserve, having your own back whether or not you have another relationship.
The “I’ll be fine” is invaluable
Building confidence on your own path when it’s not what everyone else is doing
Authenticity – claiming unapologetically who you are and what you want.
Empowering yourself believe in yourself without all of these societal expectations we are raised with
Analogy of burlesque – removing the layers that keep people from really knowing us
Let yourself be seen. That’s how we attract authentic friendships and relationships
Parenting – It helps with better communication between you and your child because you’re being authentic
Lora’s biggest discovery was that she doesn’t have to be perfect to be worthy.
Even if everything blows up in your face, you’re still worthy. You don’t have to be perfect, you can just be you.
An attorney, TEDx speaker, and coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up for ourselves. Her superpower is helping others stop abandoning themselves by seeking to please, conform, and perform and start defining themselves on their own terms. Inspired by her own betrayal journey, Lora also works with women who have been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to use their devastation as an invitation to reclaim their confidence, identity, and self-worth.
She is the creator of Life Choreography® burnout-recovery framework and leads Step into Your Moxie® workshops and training that help participants speak up and advocate for themselves. Her award-winning book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy and Spiritual Self, has led to international speaking and training opportunities, and she has a top-rated podcast, FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal.
Mandy Walker is a divorce mediator and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® based in Boulder, Colorado. She works with individuals and couples helping them to end their relationships with dignity and respect, creating an understanding of the process and their options so they can feel confident in the decisions they’re making.
