When you get divorced, there are many big things you need to deal with: lawyers, child custody, finances. But there are a million little things to deal with as well. This is the minutiae of divorce, and it can be just as overwhelming as the big stuff.
In this week’s episode of Divorce & Other Things You Can Handle, I speak with author Dawn Dais about handling the minutiae of divorce. Dawn’s latest book is The Sh!t No One Tells You About Divorce, which takes readers along on her bumpy, meandering, and often absurd journey through the destruction of a life exploded by divorce as she tries to figure out what happened… and what happens next.
The Minutiae of Divorce & “The Year of Firsts”
There are many things that need to be done that you may not think about until you are living separately from your ex and managing your own household by yourself.
“The Learning Curve” – You have to learn how to do many things all by yourself that you may never have done before, or had your ex helping you with before
This can include everything from knowing which type of light bulb goes where to how to change smoke and carbon monoxide detector batteries to working your sprinkler system
How to Handle the Minutiae of Divorce
You can learn how to deal with things you haven’t done before – use the internet! YouTube is your friend
You can learn how to take care of pretty much anything your household needs this way
Asking for help
Give yourself grace when you do not know how to do something
There are people in your life who can do some things better than you can – lean on them
Your time has value – where is your time best spent? When is it better to let someone else in your life help you take care of something?
Asking for help can be uncomfortable. But strong people know to ask for help. There is power in being vulnerable.
Your friends can also teach you how to do certain tasks once they help you with them
Make sure to have boundaries and not too lean on any one person too much or take advantage
It’s okay not to be okay after a divorce. This is why you have people and build community
Divorce and “The Mean Time”
Looking at the completion of a divorce as “the finish line” versus the start of something new
Post-divorce grief – losing the presence of your children half the time
Dealing with emotions and numbness
Divorce is messy – you can’t blow up your whole life without some mess
The only way to come out the other side so much better is to go through it
The “Mean Time” – Everything that happens in between blowing up your old life and settling into your new normal post divorce
Dawn’s latest book is for that space “in the meantime”
Some of the healing just takes time and patience but this is difficult
Don’t numb out – let yourself feel it as you go through it
Filling the silences
Not being used to the absence of sound when you are alone without your children. It can feel like the life is gone from the home. How can you bring the life back in?
Who are you without your children or your ex? Rediscovery of the self. This is how you can start rebuilding yourself and your new life.
Say yes to everything. Pick old hobbies from before your marriage or before children back up. Try new hobbies.
Spend some time absorbing and processing the quiet, too, rather than trying to avoid it.
Sometimes you have to let the rage out – the zen and peace come after
Use quiet time to get caught up on household business and reduce overwhelm
Writing about the Minutiae of Divorce
Dawn’s agent asked her to write about the divorce while she was going through it but Dawn initially resisted
The writing can be therapeutic and healing. It is also a time capsule of a particular time in your life.
Writing from “inside the building” can be difficult – you don’t want your book to sound like a temper tantrum
It takes a year for a finished book to be released and you can be a completely different person by the time the book comes out
There was lots of cutting and editing along the journey of writing the divorce book
Dawn Dais is a freelance writer and designer from Roseville, CA. Her previous books including The Sh!t No One Tells You,The Sh!t No One Tells You About Pregnancy, The Sh!t No One Tells You About Toddlers, The Sh!t No One Tells You About Baby #2 and The Nonrunner’s Marathon Guide for Women were published by Seal Press, have topped Amazon.com best-seller lists, and have been featured by countless TV and print media sources. Her uniquely sarcastic yet inspiring tone has entertained and guided an enthusiastic core of readers towards their various ridiculous parenting and athletic goals.
Dawn’s most recent bookThe Shit No One Tells You About Divorce was released this year. The book takes readers along on her bumpy, meandering, and often absurd journey through the destruction of a life exploded by divorce as she tries to figure out what happened… and what happens next
Dawn lives in Roseville, California, with her two kids, one dog, four chickens (unfortunate quarantine decision), two cats and the occasional mouse brought into the home by said cats. You can find out more about Dawn and her books on her website.
Mandy Walker is a divorce mediator and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® based in Boulder, Colorado. She works with individuals and couples helping them to end their relationships with dignity and respect, creating an understanding of the process and their options so they can feel confident in the decisions they’re making.
